A Curmudgeonly Crab

Tagged by Yoga

2007-08-19T16:33:00.000-07:00

Five questions

Wednesday, Nov. 5, 2008. Our side won! How do you celebrate?

Champagne! Although I'm not comfortable with the idea of "our side." Because while I hope and pray for a Democratic win, my wish is for a viable, progressive third party. But since no one loves a buzzkill, I will clink glasses with everyone. Besides, maybe Kucinich will be the winner. In that case, I will clink many, many glasses with all of you wonderful people. Hey, it could happen.
Are you on a boat or are you a land lubber or do you soar?

I soar. In my dreams, I fly and hope for soft landings.
What was the last mistake you wished you could cover up?

I generally cop to my mistakes, which are numerous.
Are your omelettes fluffy?

Yes, especially when I separate the eggs, whip the whites and fold them gently into the yolks.
When was the last time your paradigm shifted?

I loathe that twenty-cent word. But I can tell you that my point of view shifts constantly. I'm a goddamn kaleidoscope.

This was fun. Thanks, Yoga!

Eight random facts about me

2007-07-03T22:53:00.000-07:00

Catherine at Poverty Barn tagged me with this meme, so here goes. Yes, I am way behind with my memes, among other things. Catherine tagged me with another meme some time ago, as Yoga Korunta, and both look juicy, so here's hoping I get around to them soon.

I have road prissiness. Let others take out their rage on their fellow drivers; I choose to point out faux pas in a more dignified manner. When a tailgater is riding my ass, I employ several useful gestures. For example, holding up my hands and shrugging lets the offender know that I can't go any faster than the car ahead of me. Pointing at the speed limit signs as we pass them is another way to impart my wisdom.
I hate the word "panties." Think about it. Think hard. Kinda creepy, eh?
I'm a collection of acronyms (but aren't we all?). I'm an HSP INFP with ADD, to name just a few. But please don't try to label me — I hate that.
I have a rare and exotic condition: dermatographism. You word lovers can easily figure out what that means.
I loathe mayonnaise.
I frequently experience synchronicity. See my last post for an example. Here's another: last night I was writing a thank you note to a friend, and I used the word "carom." The spelling looked off, but I was too lazy to look up the word, figuring I'd do that in the morning. When I got in to work today, one of the first items in my mail box was an e-mail from Doctor Dictionary with my word of the day, which was "carom." Did the doctor read my mind, or did I read hers?
I sing in my car like a cheap Vegas lounge act.
One-sixth of an avocado is a serving size? I find that laughable. The correct size is one avocado, in its perfect, nubby little package. On veggie tostadas, sliced into a salad, or sprinkled with salt and lemon juice and eaten right out of the shell — any way you slice it. Bonus fact: I love salt. Truly, deeply and with great loyalty. If I ever develop high blood pressure, I'll cut back, but until then, I will sprinkle insouciantly.

Synchronicity

2007-06-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

The other night I was walking home with dinner for J and me when it hit me: I'm incorrigible. I'm not super bad, but I do resent and resist any attempts to rein me in.

A few minutes later, as J and I were eating our sushi, she said, "Gregory says I'm incorrigible."

"Hey, I was just thinking that about myself. Just now." J gives me an odd look.

"He must have meant it as a compliment," I said. "Be flattered."

"So it's similar to 'Well-behaved women rarely make history'"? she asked.

Exactly. It's time to behave a little badly, raise some hell and — if it's not too late — take our country back.

Listen

2007-05-31T21:05:00.000-07:00

To two heartbeaking and beautiful songs.

Free market

2007-04-19T20:55:00.000-07:00

Spotted on Market Street yesterday: A homeless man with a cardboard sign reading "Future porn star. Need $ for peinis enlargement."

Resisting the temptation to whip out my Sharpie and do a little copyediting was tough. I so wanted to tell him that there is only one "i" in "penis," but then that brought to mind the corporate "There's no 'I' in 'team'" and I became distracted, wondering if these two concepts could be connected in some way.

Inspiration

2007-04-15T22:33:00.000-07:00

"Any religion that professes to be concerned about the souls of men and not concerned about the city government that damns the soul, the economic conditions that corrupt the soul, the slum conditions, the social evils that cripple the soul, is a dry, dead, do-nothing religion in need of new blood."

-- MLK

Who knew?

2007-04-15T21:32:00.000-07:00

Knock me over with a feather: David Sedaris hyperbolizes. Actually, skip the feather because the moment I heard this shocking fact, I fell over spontaneously, so horrified that my heart stopped for a moment. As I fell, I hit my head on the coffee table, and raised a knot the size of a baseball on the back of my head, which was immediately surrounded by cartoon birds and stars. Oh, and there was background music, too.

This is my favorite quote from the article:

Jon Carroll thinks humorists require "latitude" to make things funny, a notion I find bogus. I find stories that are absolutely true—like the time one of my neighbors, dressed up to party on Saturday night, fell into a 55-gallon drum filled with human excrement and urine—the funniest.

Wow, this totally turned me around. Forget the tiny exaggerations above; from now on, it's nothing but the literal truth, presented exactly as it happened. I refuse to read or write anything that has been shaped in any way. That includes dialogue. I want to hear every "um," every bit of verbal padding. Better still, tell me a story that occurs in real time. If your neighbor falls into a 55-gallon drum of pee (which I must admit, is screamingly funny), don't leave anything out. How did the pee get in the drum? What was your neighbor wearing as he approached the drum? What did he have for lunch the day before? Spare no detail, even if it seems irrelevant. Now that is how you tell a funny story.

Claustrophobic

2007-04-08T22:39:00.000-07:00

And to think I used to bitch about having to sit through Stations of the Cross.

Seven devotees were nailed to crosses on Good Friday in a northern Philippine village where the rites drew thousands of tourists and spectators.

The Lenten ritual is opposed by religious leaders in the Philippines — Southeast Asia’s largest predominantly Roman Catholic nation. But it has persisted to become one of the country’s most-awaited summer attractions in San Fernando City’s San Pedro Cutud village.
...

Earlier in the day in the same village, dozens of half-naked men hit their bloodied backs with bamboo sticks dangling from a rope in a flagellation rite meant to atone for sins.

More than 100 foreign tourists flocked to this year’s Good Friday rites, with many of them seated on a stage at the side of the mound.

Full story here

I find this fascinating, although I won't even pretend to understood hair shirt spirituality. Life brings enough pain, so why seek it out? It's enough to get through difficult times with a bit of grace and humility, so I can't imagine hopping up on a cross, having nails driven through my wrists. I am such a big baby that I could barely manage involuntary church attendance until the age of fourteen.

No, this is not going to be one of those "recovering Catholics" posts. I don't do that. There are worse things than being made to go to church, and at least when I did rebel, my parents didn't freak out.

Still, being made to sit through endless rituals did cause my claustrophobia. Being squeezed into a pew with my classmates, knowing that I couldn't move around, let alone run out of church gasping for breath made me tense, to say the least. Why the hell can't I do this my way, I would think. If religion is about loving and helping one another, then why not just do that? And what does this droning priest and this incense burning my nose have to do with my soul? Because, despite my constant doubts and questioning, I knew that I had a soul and, since childhood, I had known exactly what it looked like: an upside-down "U," a horseshoe.

During one afternoon in seventh grade, I was in church, sitting through Stations of the Cross, about to explode. It was a particularly hot day, and I squirmed in my seat, sweaty and miserable, praying for it all to be over. And finally, it was. Thank you, I thought. As we all stood up to leave, I heard giggling. I turned around and some of my classmates pointed at where I'd been sitting. I had sweated more than I realized, enough to soak through my itchy wool skirt. The sweat had formed a perfect "U," and as I stared at it, my classmates snickered. "Shut up, you assholes," I thought. "That's my soul you're mocking."

No time like the present

2007-04-03T20:49:00.000-07:00

Harry Bernstein, you inspire me.

Into his 90s, decimated by the loss of his beloved wife, and alone at night with the memories of a rough and sad childhood spent battling an alcoholic father and vicious anti-Semitism, Harry Bernstein decided to write.

What started out as almost a form of therapy eventually turned into a book called "The Invisible Wall" that chronicles his childhood in a northern England mill town and — considering that it wasn't published until he was 96 — serves as an inspiration for aspiring authors.

...

"I've been trained to finish something you start, don't leave anything undone," he says. "I just feel I'm not satisfied until I finish what I start. And I will not be satisfied until I start something new."

Thank you, Mr. Bernstein. I, too, was trained to finish what I start, but I seemed to have unlearned this. Perhaps I'll never write the Great American Novel, but I will commit to two posts a week. Not out of any sense of guilt or obligation, but because I need to. Like running, writing is something I have to force myself to do because I am lazy and a world-class procrastinator. But once I get my tired, work-ravaged ass out for a run, my feelings of dread disappear and I glide along the city sidewalks, graceful and swift. Just kidding. I huff and puff and lumber along, but I love the movement and the feeling that I get a little stronger each time. And after my run? Bliss.

It's the same with writing. There are a zillion reasons not to start: no one wants to read my dreck, I'm tired, I'm too ADD to stick with a topic, I don't do transitions well, and everything I say is shallow and unoriginal. For starters. But then I trick myself, get just a few words down and for a while, the nagging voices are quieted.

So, tomorrow I buy "The Invisible Wall" and the day after, I post again. And then, at least two a week. Maybe more.

Web 2.Doh!

2007-03-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

This is too funny.

Someone on Presidential hopeful John McCain’s staff is going to be in trouble today. They used a well known template to create his Myspace page. The template was designed by Newsvine Founder and CEO Mike Davidson (original template is here). Davidson gave the template code away to anyone who wanted to use it, but asked that he be given credit when it was used, and told users to host their own image files.

McCain’s staff used his template, but didn’t give Davidson credit. Worse, he says, they use images that are on his server, meaning he has to pay for the bandwidth used from page views on McCain’s site.

Davidson decided to play a small prank on the campaign this morning as retribution. Since he’s in control of some of the images on the site, he replaced one that shows contact information with a statement:

Today I announce that I have reversed my position and come out in full support of gay marriage…particularly marriage between two passionate females.

That McCain is such a hep cat, all up in MySpace. Too bad his staffer isn't familiar with the basics of The Internets, like not stealing bandwidth or templates. Take the image above, for example. It's a screen shot from the TechCrunch site that I uploaded to Photobucket. Easy peasy.

And too bad some journalists don't know the meaning of "hacked." McCain's web person linked to a graphic on Davidson's site, without permission, and if Davidson chose to replace it with an even better image, that was his prerogative. Hacking, on the other hand, would mean illegally accessing McCain's site and posting something like "Straight Talk Express, my ass!"

Bits of tid

2007-03-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

Reason #5747 to love my friend Sophie: she sees magic everywhere. Not that annoying, New-Agey overgrown fairy in a tutu* magic. Shudder. No, Sophie's magic is better. She sees the wonder in everyday things. Listen to what she says about matches: "Shit, fire in a little stick you carry in your pocket. Weird, huh?"

*Speaking of tutus and Sophie, we visited one of those New-Agey stores last year. Wait, I'm making fun of New Age crap in one bullet and telling you about my visit to Esmerelda's Fairy Castle the next. Wow, that sounds like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth, doesn't it? I am. I'm inconsistent, and that deserves its own post. Anyway, I have a not-exactly-love/not-exactly-hate-more-wanting-to-ridicule relationship with New Age. So, Sophie and I were cracking up over the giant fairy costumes, when we saw the coolest wooden Pan horns. I tried them on, and I must admit, they felt pretty natural. Not in a horny old goat way, they just fit perfectly on my head. Even the strap blended in with my hair.

Further evidence that the US has lost her moral compass: while I'm online tonight, I'm half watching this hideous episode of ABC's Primetime about young porn stars and the parents who love and promote them. One dad/manager said his daughter "could have gone a lot of different ways." Like being gay. Yes, having a gay daughter is a fate worse having her do total strangers for money. There are so many things wrong with this story...

I have a phobia of plagiarism and just know that one day I will accidentally rip someone off and have to go to the Internet stocks, where I will be pelted with mushy fruit and insults. Take "bits of tid," for example, which I thought of last night. Thank goodness for The Google, or I would have thought I had an original thought. Damn. The same thing happened with "irony deficient," and now "irony poor blood." Sigh.

Well, I never!

2007-03-04T11:25:00.000-08:00

From The Poor Man Institute (via Firedog Lake), here is a handy guide to cleaning up your language.

You filthy, filthy liberals! Don't you know that every time you say the fuck word, an angel gets electrocuted? Spare me your talk of the "real" obscenities of war and spying and tax cuts for the wealthy and clean up your act.

Oh dear!” you exclaim in alarm, bringing your lacey hankie to your dainty, newly-innocent lips. “Now that all my naughty words are gone, whatever shall I say?” There, there, my flower. There is nothing to fear! Your Editors have taken the time to carefully analyze very civil and respectable bloggers and pundits, and have put together a list of what you should say in place of those horrible, swear-cootie infested things we erased. Exactly what you should say depends on the exact nature of your previous incivility, as illustrated in this handy-dandy chart.

Incivil/Unserious Civil/Serious

“f*ck” Suggest that Arab countries, being too primative for democracy, should be reduced to rubble.

“sh*t” Imply that the media is working with al Qaeda.

“w*nk*r” Wonder if the Clintons were involved in the murder of Princess Diana.

Things you'll never hear from The Decider

2007-02-11T21:15:00.001-08:00

Can you imagine Fucky McFucker saying anything remotely close?

"I think that I have to be tested and run through the paces, and I have to earn this job."

"I think that the notion...that not talking to our enemies is effective punishment -- is wrong. It flies in the face of our experiences during the Cold War."

"You know, if we have problems in this campaign, I suspect it's not going to be because of mistakes I've made in the past. I think it's going to be mistakes that I make in the future. "

I don't know yet who I'll be supporting for the 2008 campaign, but I sure like Obama's humility. Yes, he's confident, too, but he also seems to know that he works for the electorate.

Transcript of the 60 Minutes interview here.

Hoohaa hoopla

2007-02-08T20:50:00.000-08:00

Oh, for goddess' sake. This is just obscene. Some woman drives by a Florida theater with her young niece, sees a sign advertising "The Vagina Monologues" and freaks out because...actually, I don't know why. Sure, I know that some people can't stand real names for body parts, and who knows, maybe this woman was trying to forget that she has a vagina and got pissed when she saw a 10-foot reminder. But does that mean we should indulge such silliness? The Atlantic Theater apparently thinks so, because they changed their marquee to read "The Hoohaa Monologues."

I hope the vaginaphobe doesn't visit the theater's web site, which still shows the play's correct title. And hoo boy, I hope she doesn't stop by here, because I made my own damn sign.

How you find me

2007-02-01T23:20:00.001-08:00

Some recent search terms:

"toby keith moron"
"what does God say about hermaphrodites"
"barbara bush scary sayings"
"picture of a crab smoking marijuana"

I love the Google. I love the StatCounter.

RIP

2007-01-31T22:28:00.001-08:00

Molly Ivins Dies of Cancer at 62

Best-selling author and columnist Molly Ivins, the sharp-witted liberal who skewered the political establishment and referred to President Bush as "Shrub," died Wednesday after a long battle with breast cancer. She was 62.

...

"The trouble with blaming powerless people is that although it's not nearly as scary as blaming the powerful, it does miss the point," she wrote in a 1997 column. "Poor people do not shut down factories ... Poor people didn't decide to use 'contract employees' because they cost less and don't get any benefits."

Break

2007-01-31T22:16:00.000-08:00

I'll be back soon — promise. This vile cold that I caught three weeks ago is finally subsiding, so I should be back to blogging in the next couple of days.

It totally sucks ass to be both literally and figuratively snotty.

Inspiration

2007-01-15T11:19:00.000-08:00

Now it should be incandescently clear that no one who has any concern for the integrity and life of America today can ignore the present war. If America's soul becomes totally poisoned, part of the autopsy must read "Vietnam." It can never be saved so long as it destroys the deepest hopes of men the world over. So it is that those of us who are yet determined that "America will be" are led down the path of protest and dissent, working for the health of our land. ("Beyond Vietnam")

Let us realize that as we struggle for justice and freedom we have cosmic companionship. ("Give Us the Ballot")

Never despair; never give up; never feel that the cause of righteousness and justice is doomed. ("Give Us the Ballot")

Part of the autopsy will also read "Iraq," unless we continue to protest, resist, speak out and do whatever we can to stop the ~~escalation~~ ~~surge~~ augmentation, or whatever they're caling it these days.

The above excerpts from Dr. King's speeches can be found in A Call to Conscience.

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T22:14:00.001-08:00

Hoping that 2007 brings you all peace, joy and much laughter. And pearls of wisdom, too, like this gem from tonight's fortune cookie: "As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point your way."

Are we safer yet?

2006-12-31T11:41:00.000-08:00

Saddam is gone, so we must be. Justice has been done, an eye for an eye, etc. Let the safety and the peace begin. Or not.

Yes, Saddam was a brutal dictator, but at one time he was our brutal dictator. And how can the US claim the moral high ground when we are party to premeditated murder? (Hint: We can't.)

BBC News has reactions from around the world. Here are a couple that are particulary well-stated.

RICHARD DICKER, HUMAN RIGHTS WATCH

"Saddam Hussein was responsible for massive human rights violations, but that can't justify giving him the death penalty, which is a cruel and inhuman punishment...

"The test of a government's commitment to human rights is measured by the way it treats its worst offenders...

"It defies imagination that the Appeals Chamber could have thoroughly reviewed the 300-page judgment and the defence's written arguments in less than three weeks' time... The appeals process appears even more flawed than the trial...

"History will judge the deeply flawed Dujail trial and this execution harshly."

FATHER FEDERICO LOMBARDI, VATICAN SPOKESMAN

"A capital punishment is always tragic news, a reason for sadness, even if it deals with a person who was guilty of grave crimes...

"The killing of the guilty party is not the way to reconstruct justice and reconcile society. On the contrary, there is a risk that it will feed a spirit of vendetta and sow new violence.

"In these dark times for the Iraqi people, one can only hope that all responsible parties truly make every effort so that glimmers of reconciliation and peace can be found in such a dramatic situation."

Chill

2006-12-21T10:36:00.000-08:00

This is ridiculous.

The countdown to Christmas has dwindled to the single digits: As the mall crowds have worsened, so has the stress on shoppers faced with a creeping deadline to buy gifts — and they’re increasingly taking that stress out on salespeople.

“We’ve all done it: I know I’ve lost my temper, and everyone else has probably done it,” said Ernest Speranza, chief marketing officer of KB Toys. “At this time of year, people start out with all the best intentions. They’re busy buying toys for a young child. They’re happy about doing that. Then they get caught up in the frenzy ... and a nice experience now starts to spiral out of control.”

Yes, we've all done it. I do it all the time. Last week, for example, some bitch at the toy store was all up in my grill, screaming that I had taken the last Tickle Me Elmo. So, I gave her a little lesson in Christmas spirit — right upside her head. After that, I stopped by my church and said some prayers for those who will be doing without this holiday season. For example, I know one little guy who will be without Elmo come Christmas morning. I said a prayer for him — and even for his bitch of a mom. After all, that's what the holidays are about: giving and putting others before yourself.

Happy Holidays from the ACLU

2006-12-11T20:40:00.001-08:00

I love this! Have a happy whatever.

An Overdue Visit

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nation
Friends of Freedom knew it was a special occasion.
Lady Liberty stood taller just off the shore
Her torch shining brighter than a few weeks before

But it wasn't the flame turning her cheeks all rosy
It was thoughts of Snowe, Feingold and Nancy Pelosi
And leaders from every side of the aisle
Who would soon bring the Bill of Rights back into style.

The Amendments had all hurried out of their beds -
Which was no easy task, they were nearly in shreds -
And they rushed to the window on papery feet
As a jolly old man flew right over their street.

"Could it be!?" they inquired as the roof shook and trembled
And they crept toward the mantle, peaceably assembled,
Just as someone emerged from the chimney with flair
In a shiny red suit, with a shock of white hair

And a top hat, and pants all in red, white and blue -
"Wait a minute," the Amendments exclaimed, "Who are you?"
"Don't be frightened my children," he said, "it's no scam.
"You can't have forgotten your old Uncle Sam!"

"Holy crap!" said Free Speech. "Stop right there!" yelled Bear Arms
And Privacy cried "Who shut off the alarms?!"
The Fifth remained silent, but Uncle Sam said
"We've been having some trouble, but Freedom's not dead."

The Amendments were cautious. "It's just been so long
"We've seen Liberty lost, we've seen so much go wrong.
"The President's trying to mangle and warp us,
"The Fourth is in tatters, so's Habeas Corpus!"

The old man sat down - he had had quite a ride -
But he told them "Don't worry, the Law's on our side,
"'Cause the nation's fed up and more people are crying
"For Justice and an end to illegal spying,

"And secret abductions by the CIA,
"And laws that would take women's choices away,
"And Gitmo tribunals and secret detention,
"And other intrusions too numerous to mention - "

"Not so fast," said a grinchity voice from above
And Don Rumsfeld pushed past the Fourteenth with a shove.
He was covered in soot and he looked kind of scary.
It seemed like his Christmas had not been so merry.

The Amendments said they weren't happy to see him:
"You tried to throw all of us in the museum!
"You've done so much the Constitution forbids!"
"And I would have gone on, but for you meddling kids!"

Uncle Sam told him "Rummy, your plans just won't do,
"So we've got a brand new timetable for you!"
And as Rumsfeld retired and crept into the night
The Amendments cried out "Have a good secret flight!"

From the distance they heard him reply with a snort.
"Bye-bye, Rummy!" they answered, "we'll see you in court!"
Uncle Sam rode the chimney up out of the room
And, like Frosty, he said "I'll be back again soon."

But they heard him exclaim "Oh, and just one more thing!
"This year, when the holiday bells start to ring,
"Try to honor religion. Honest faith can't be wrong.
"It's America, can't we all just get along?

"So, on Christian," he cried, "Muslim, Hindu, and Jew!
"On Quaker! On Shaker! And Atheist too!
"On Buddhist! On Taoist! And to show we're not chickens
"We'll file a few lawsuits defending the Wiccans!

"Your belief is your right, so get out there and savor it.
"Uncle Sam's not a preacher, and he doesn't play favorites!"
So this holiday season, whatever you do,
Warmest wishes for Freedom, from the ACLU.

I was antiwar when antiwar wasn't cool

2006-12-10T22:43:00.001-08:00

Lots of us were. Paul Krugman has a nice roundup of public figures who spoke out before it became quite the thing.

We should honor these people for their wisdom and courage. We should also ask why anyone who didn't raise questions about the war - or, at any rate, anyone who acted as a cheerleader for this march of folly - should be taken seriously when he or she talks about matters of national security.

Am I? I don't know. What do you think? Oh, look, something shiny.

2006-11-29T19:01:00.000-08:00

Guess who's number one on The Google for "flaky indecisive women"?

Giving thanks

2006-11-27T20:29:00.000-08:00

A few things I'm grateful for:

That the Democrats took back Congress. It's true that most Dems are far from progressive, but still: phew. If, like me, you wish Congress leaned a little more to the left (actually, a whole lot more would be rather nice), imagine how it would be if the Dems didn't win. To paraphrase Hedwig, these guys are what we have to work with. We need a third party (and a fourth and a fifth...), and we need clean elections, but until then, we hold the Dems' feet to the fire and work together to undo some of the damage wrought by BushCo.
The Internets and The Google. For obvious reasons. And because I get to say "The Internets and The Google." No, I won't be thanking W for that. He may have named them, but he couldn't have done that if they didn't exist.
Parchment paper. I love you so much. You line my roasting pan and my cookie sheets, protecting them from burned-on crud. Thank you for roasted carrots, onions and golden beets, drizzled with olive oil, sprinkled with sea salt and cracked pepper and cooked to caramelized yumminess.
Coconut and lime antiperspirant. What a happy accident that I discovered you. A TSA employee at the Phoenix airport confiscated my regular brand a couple of weeks ago (along with my sunblock and my MAC Fix +, damn her), and when I got home I had to make do with a crappy deodorant for a couple of days. Yes, I am that lazy and that forgetful. When I finally walked to the corner store, I saw one antiperspirant on the shelf, and it was you, C & L. Now my underarms smell like a pina colada. Thank you.
My parents. Lucky me to have wonderful parents, along with my daughter J (who deserves her own ~~post~~ blog) and the most amazing friends. I'm thankful for them every day, but today I want to give thanks for my family values. My dad is pro-labor and pro-union, and my mom is a social justice Democrat, a true progressive. When I was little, I asked my dad to explain the difference between Democrats and Republicans. He said, "The Republicans are for big business, and the Democrats are for the working people." He made it clear that we were in the second category and that was a good place to be. That attitude, along with my mom's innate empathy and compassion for people in need, shaped my political views.
The little things. People say, "It's the little things that count," and I agree. For example: listen to the first two lines of Sublime's Caress Me Down and tell me Bradley Nowell doesn't sound just like Fozzie Bear. That rocks.

Link

2006-11-19T19:40:00.000-08:00

Alicia's daughter has started a very cool blog. Visit Animal City to learn about starfish, hummingbirds and all kinds of animals.

Vote!

2006-11-05T21:10:00.000-08:00

Recently I've heard some say that if our electorate isn't smart enough to oust the Republicans this Tuesday, we deserve what we get. I see their point, but does the rest of the world deserve what we're giving them?

Whatever else you do this year, vote on Tuesday.

A little misunderstanding

2006-11-05T08:57:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday I turned on Air America in the middle of what I thought was progressive programming. This guy was saying something like, "You massage them while they're in a prone position, and then you reach underneath slowly and gently and lift them up just a couple of inches. Then stop for that day. Always leave them wanting a little more." Well, that's timely, I thought. Maybe this guy knows Pastor Ted. It turns out he was talking about a technique for calming a feral cat. Silly me!

What's more dangerous: a feral cat or a wild-eyed, meth addicted, closeted fundie? I'll take my chances with the kitty.

Outrage

2006-10-31T21:07:00.000-08:00

Hi, Dudgeon!

How are you? So good to see you again. Why, just the other day, I was thinking, “Isn't it about time for another tempest in a teapot? Time for feigned outrage and wagging conservative fingers and ‘How dare they!’” And here you are! Trembling with indignation and barely able to contain your anger — you look so cute when you're mad. You've been waiting too long for something to really get you fired up, haven't you?

I mean, gay marriage is so November 2004, and while stem cell research looks like a promising wedge issue, it's kind of tricky. Yes, I know, it's all about the babies. Beautiful, precious snowflake babies that mad scientists want to use for their nefarious experiments. But here's the rub: both Democrats and Republicans benefit from IVF, which means that both red and blue embryos are frozen and eventually destroyed.

Fortunately for you, HD, we have a fresh affront to human dignity, thanks to John Kerry. You need to run with this one and make sure it stays in the news until election day. Go on Larry King and demand a mea culpa. Stomp that horse into the ground, resurrect him and kick the shit out of him until all the votes are counted. By all means, don't listen to Kerry when he says this is the joke he meant to deliver [emphasis mine]:

"I can't overstress the importance of a great education. Do you know where you end up if you don't study, if you aren't smart, if you're intellectually lazy? You end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq."

Whatever you do, do not let this veteran breathe a word about the troops. He clearly hates them. And I know I can count on you, HD, for some quality, high-pitched screaming when the liberal media starts getting all contexty on you.

Squares dance

2006-10-30T21:28:00.000-08:00

Barring a stolen election, if the circular firing squad continues to work its magic, we may just get some ~~good~~ better* news next Tuesday.

Speaking of CFSs, the square dance scene at the end of this Bugs Bunny cartoon reminds me of the RNC.

*I'm hoping and praying for a Democratic majority (better news), but what would make my heart even happier would be a party of true progressives, like Barbara Lee, John Conyers and Dennis Kucinich (really good news).

Stay the course

2006-10-26T19:53:00.000-07:00

You do know "stay the course" means cut and run, don't you? Yeppers, it does. And I'm the goddamned Easter Bunny.

Watch this (via L-girl)

Suggested responses to "inspirational" e-mails from formerly rational friends who have turned fundamentalist

2006-10-26T19:12:00.000-07:00

"Oh my fucking God, I was just thinking about you."
"You must be in training for the Irony Olympics. Wow, you're good. I bet you'll bring home all the gold."
"If Jesus and the apostles jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, would you do it, too?"
"If God can do anything, can He ____ a ____ so ____, He can't ____ ____?"

(Fill in the blanks. Make/rock/heavy/lift/it is classic, but create/zealot/sanctimonious/stand/him is also nice.
Explain that #2 is a joke. Explain irony. Tell your friend that there are many kinds of Olympics. Bitch Olynpics, Asshole Olympics, Preachy Motherfucker Olympics, to name a few.

Delicious

2006-10-24T20:09:00.000-07:00

This is funny. I got a visit today from CENTCOM today — my first, I think. Guess how they found me? Yep, via The Google. We all love The Google. You know what's even funnier? The search term they used to find me: "fucking wingnuts." Yes, those are your tax dollars at work.
Just yesterday, I was telling W about the "I'm feeling lucky" button on The Google. It's cool. Try it with yesterday's suggested search term, or try "fucking wingnuts." You won't believe who comes up.

The world is getting smaller every day, no? Old White Lady has more on CENTCOM's efforts to reach out to the blogging community.

The Google

2006-10-23T23:52:00.000-07:00

What an idiot. When asked if he goes online, Fucky McFucker told CNBC's Maria Bartiromo:

Occasionally. One of the things I’ve used on the Google is to pull up maps. It’s very interesting to see that. I forgot the name of the program, but you get the satellite and you can — like, I kind of like to look at the ranch on Google, reminds me of where I want to be sometimes. Yeah, I do it some.

The Google is on the Internets, heh, heh. I can use it to find my ranch. I like to go there and ~~drink some beers~~ clear some brush and drive my truck.

Just shut up and go google yourself and see what people really think of you — start with WSJ readers.. Unlike Wonkette, I don't find their comments "cruel" or "savage." Those adjectives should be applied to waterboarding, or any one of the many depravities committed in our name; criticizing Bush is patriotic.

Oh, and W? Being a fortunate son, you might like the "I'm feeling lucky" button on the Google. Try it: type "dry drunk." Nifty, eh?

RIP, Habeas Corpus

2006-10-17T22:52:00.000-07:00

Ha!

2006-10-12T15:23:00.000-07:00

Visit Shakespeare's Sister and watch this brilliant political ad.

Waving at the House of Representatives

2006-10-11T21:26:00.000-07:00

Hi there! Thanks for stopping by, whoever you are.

Yes, I got a visit yesterday from someone in the House, specifically housegate10.house.gov, who was referred by wmtc. At first, I was excited, thinking that maybe John Conyers stopped by. Wouldn't that be cool? But I'm guessing it wasn't him.

A Google search of the IP address (143.231.249.141) revealed something interesting. Wikipedia blocked this address earlier this year, after it was discovered that House staff had vandalized several Wikipedia entries. Catapulting the propaganda, I suppose.

So, do I find this a little creepy? Not so much. I've had visits from the US government before, including the DoD. Do I worry about being labeled unpatriotic? No. Am I concerned about regular people like me being thrown into secret prisons? Well, yes. Do I sound like Donald Rumseld? I think so.

Yummy

2006-10-08T19:10:00.000-07:00

Serve this soup with a salad and whole wheat rolls for a healthy, hearty fall meal.

Curried butternut squash soup

Preheat oven to 400°F. In a large bowl, combine 1/2 butternut squash, peeled and cut into medium-sized cubes, one thickly sliced yellow onion and two or three cloves of peeled garlic. Toss with olive oil to coat and place on a parchment-lined baking sheet. Roast until squash is tender, about 20 minutes.

Add some curry powder to a large pot and cook over medium heat until fragrant. Add the squash, onions and garlic, cover with vegetable stock and simmer for 15 minutes. Remove the pot from the stove and puree squash mixture and stock in a blender or food processor (you may need to add more stock) and pour back into the pot. Add some half and half and simmer until hot. Ladle into bowls and serve. If you're feeling ambitious, you can squeeze some creme fraiche into concentric circles on top of the soup and drag a toothpick through them. Or if you're lazy and hungry, like I usually am, just dig in.

Operation Cure the Cabinet

2006-10-08T17:24:00.000-07:00

This is a fun game from TrueMajority. I play it about as badly as I play the original Operation. Sigh...if only it were this easy to remove these thugs. I'd pick them up with giant tweezers and drop them straight into a war crimes trial.

World Can't Wait photos

2006-10-07T13:24:00.000-07:00

We rallied. We marched. We chanted.

According to this article from SFGate, there were "hundreds" of protestors. Maybe at the rally, but as we made our way down Market Street, more people joined us and the march was several blocks long. Does that sound like "hundreds" of people? Twenty hundred, perhaps. If I find a more accurate count, I'll post it.

In addition to the marchers, there were plenty of people honking and hanging out office windows. I didn't see any counter-protesters, although one guy did say "Go, Bush" several times as we walked by. How can you argue with such a compelling statement? Well, one way is "Are you fucking crazy?" shouted through a bullhorn, which got a big laugh from the crowd. Poor, deluded Republicans. Is that the best you've got? "Go, Bush"? Tear yourselves away from Fox News for a moment. Wake up and smell the torture and the burning Constitution. Think, damn it. Your God will thank you for it.

Here are my photos of the event, and here is a report from World Can't Wait.

"The cry of a leader crumbling under the weight of his own lies"

2006-10-06T22:43:00.000-07:00

Keith Olbermann nails Bush yet again. Damn.

It is the terror and the guilt within your own heart, Mr. Bush, that you re-direct at others who simply wish for you to temper your certainty with counsel.

It is the failure and the incompetence within your own memory, Mr. Bush, that leads you to demonize those who might merely quote to you the pleadings of Oliver Cromwell: "I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken."

It is not the Democrats whose inaction in the face of the enemy you fear, sir.

It is your own — before 9/11 - (and you alone know this), perhaps afterwards.

Mr. President, these new lies go to the heart of what it is that you truly wish to preserve.

It is not our freedom, nor our country — your actions against the Constitution give irrefutable proof of that.

You want to preserve a political party's power. And obviously you'll sell this country out, to do it.

These are lies about the Democrats piled atop lies about Iraq which were piled atop lies about your preparations for Al-Qaeda.

Read and watch.

WCW

2006-10-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

Our world is careening toward destruction, but we can still speak out. I'll post more pictures of today's rally and march later...

Hello, Mr. Pickle

2006-10-04T20:48:00.000-07:00

I had a visit from the Senate's top cop the other day. He or one of his staff wanted to see the video I posted — glad I could help.

Randomness

2006-09-28T22:51:00.000-07:00

If I had a cat, I'd name him Peeve. But my landlord doesn't allow pets in the building, and that kind of bugs me.

Major General John R.S. Batiste at the DPC Hearing

2006-09-27T21:59:00.000-07:00

This is a must-see.

“American cannot go this alone…I challenge the American people to get informed and speak out. Remember that Congress represents and works for the people.”

Transcript here.

Diversion

2006-09-19T21:34:00.000-07:00

This year has thoroughly kicked my ass, but I will spill my angst on another day. Besides, things are looking up — I think — and anyway, I have my art to console me. Thank you, dear internets. I used to think I couldn't paint my way out of a paper bag, but thanks to the Pollock generator (h/t Boing Boing) and Mr. Picassohead (h/t my friend KL), I can be...

...an Abstract Expressionist

Mouse Droppings

...or a Cubist.

Deadlines

What next?

2006-08-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

Give me a fucking break.

An Arab human rights activist was prevented from boarding a plane at Kennedy Airport while wearing a T-shirt that read, ``We will not be silent'' in English and Arabic.

Raed Jarrar was at the gate to board a JetBlue Airways flight to Oakland, Calif., on Aug. 12 when four officials from the airline or a government agency stopped him and told him he could not board with the shirt on, he said Wednesday.

One official told him, ``Going to an airport with a T-shirt in Arabic script is like going to a bank and wearing a T-shirt that says, `I'm a robber,''' he said.

[...]

Jarrar, who directs the Iraq project for Global Exchange, a San Francisco-based human rights organization, said he refused a suggestion from the officials that he turn his shirt inside out. In the end, officials gave Jarrar another shirt to wear over his, and he put it on rather than miss his flight.

Full story

There are so many problems with this story, beginning with the racism and stupidity of Kennedy airport officials. I have a few questions. First, the T-shirt comparison makes no sense. Unless the Arab-script shirt said "I'm a robber" or "I like to blow up planes," where is the equivalence? And if this peace activist was indeed dangerous, how would turning his shirt inside out or covering it up prevent him from carrying out his evil plans? (This is just a theory, but maybe wearing an inside-out T-shirt makes terrorists so uncomfortable that they forget about the bombs. I can see that. When my clothes don't feel right, I can't think of anything else.)

Does anyone have statistics on the number of terrorists who wear "Look at me. I'm a terrorist!" T-shirts? How about "Honk if you're a terrorist, too" license plate frames? We need to closely monitor these people to prevent future attacks, and frankly I'm shocked that no one has thought of this before.

And everything nice

2006-08-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

This is so cool (emphasis mine).

Park Day School is throwing out gender boundaries.

Teachers at the private Oakland elementary school have stopped asking the children to line up according to sex when walking to and from class. They now let boys play girls and girls play boys in skits. And there's a unisex bathroom.

Admissions director Flo Hodes is even a little apologetic that she still balances classes by gender.

Park Day's gender-neutral metamorphosis happened over the past few years, as applications trickled in for kindergartners who didn't fit on either side of the gender line. One girl enrolled as a boy, and there were other children who didn't dress or act in gender-typical ways. Last year the school hired a consultant to help the staff accommodate these new students.

"We had to ask ourselves, what is gender for young children?" Hodes said. "It's coming up more and more."

Park Day's staff members are among a growing number of educators and parents who are acknowledging gender variance in very young children. Aurora School, another private elementary school in Oakland, also is seeing children who are "gender fluid" and hired a clinical psychologist to conduct staff training.

[...]

"What we need is a place where children can express what they want to," said Tuerk, who has been working on gender variance for three decades.

Kids have always explored gender roles, but precisely how many exhibit gender variance has not been estimated, said Dr. Edgardo Menvielle, associate professor of psychiatry with the Children's National Medical Center in Washington, D.C.

"What is new is how parents and educators are addressing it and being open to it at earlier ages," said Taneika Taylor of the Gender Public Advocacy Coalition, an organization in Washington, D.C., that is trying to end discrimination and violence caused by gender stereotypes.

And this is not cool:

Gender variance is an especially touchy topic when young children are the subjects. The Traditional Values Coalition calls efforts to accommodate these kids "normalizing the abnormal."

The group's executive director, Andrea Lafferty, said gender variance is a Bay Area phenomenon.

"If you talk to your typical person across America, they would be appalled," she said. "God made us male and female, and God makes no mistakes. To teach a child at an early age self-hatred, and that's what this gender variance is, is very sad."

Imagine a world where children — and the rest of us — are allowed to just be. I like to think we're inching toward that (albeit far too slowly), despite the bigots, despite the fearfulness/ignorance expressed by traditional values yahoos.

And is it just me or is the projection becoming even more ridiculous? Note to Ms. Lafferty: "Nyah, nyah, I know you are but what am I?" is not a persuasive argument.

Little break

2006-08-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

Experiencing minor burnout. I'll be back soon...maybe as soon as tomorrow.

Why can't this happen to me?

2006-08-11T20:40:00.000-07:00

Solved! The case of the mystery maid
Unexpectedly cleaned house befuddles woman, and police just laugh

CHARLESTON, W.Va. - When Debbie Phillips tried to report a crime, police just snickered. "I told him that someone came into my house and cleaned," the president of the Putnam County School Board said. "He just laughed."

The problem wasn't that her home smelled a little fresher or looked a little tidier. The problem was that Phillips had no idea who the mystery cleaner was.

Her husband denied cleaning up the joint. So did her next-door neighbor. Everyone she asked denied responsibility.

All she knew was the rugs weren't where she had left them that morning in June. Trinkets had been rearranged and in the master bedroom, the bed was made differently.

It didn't look like anything had been stolen, but she couldn't be sure.

Nearly a month passed before the mystery was solved. Her son called her at work recently after a cleaning lady arrived at the front door.

As it turns out, her neighbor across the street, with a similar house number, the same number of rooms to be cleaned and a house key hidden in a similar spot outside, had hired a cleaning service.

"They just came to the wrong door," Phillips said.

Just watch

2006-08-10T19:39:00.000-07:00

This guy knows how to do political satire.

What I'm reading now

2006-08-07T21:40:00.000-07:00

Or will be soon: the execrable Da Vinci Code. I swore I'd never read it; life is too short and good books too plentiful. But someone gave it to me, so I'm not wasting my money (only my beautiful mind), and I'm a little curious.

How do I know TDVC is so bad? Intuition, a wild guess, a sick sense. Some things you just know. Oh, and here is one more clue. I picked up the paperback in Walgreens a few weeks ago, opened it up and the first line I read went something like this:

"The Mona Lisa? Holy crap," she gasped.

Wow! I was dumbfounded, gobsmacked, astounded. "The Da Vinci Code? Holy goddamn shit! Holy motherfucking, mule-doing shit," I screamed and hollered as my face turned beet red and everyone whiplashed around to stare at me.

I mean, wow. Who writes like this — besides Dan Brown and me?

Despite my misgivings, I'm going to give TDVC a shot. That could be literal; if I hate it, I might blow its brains out.

Phew!

2006-08-07T20:20:00.000-07:00

U.S. motorists will not face shortages of gasoline because of BP Plc's shutdown of its giant Prudhoe Bay oil field in Alaska, even though pump prices may rise, the government's energy forecasting agency said Monday.

[...]

(Analyst Tancred) Lidderdale said the timing of the oil field shutdown was "somewhat fortunate" because it comes toward the end of the busy U.S. summer driving season, even though the Labor Day holiday weekend in early September has strong gasoline demand.

"Better now than the beginning of summer. Once we make it past Labor Day we'll start to breathe more easily," he said.

Full story here

Thank goodness we don't have to conserve! I'm going to celebrate with a long drive on Labor Day weekend. And I'm super happy for the people of Alaska — as long as they keep giving up the oil, there will be no need to bomb them.

Thought for the day

2006-08-06T21:29:00.000-07:00

For some, that would be "thought" for the day. While we're busy not leaving children behind, let's be sure to teach them a few critical thinking skills, so that maybe they won't be as fucking gullible as their parents.

Did Saddam Hussein's government have weapons of mass destruction in 2003?

Half of America apparently still thinks so, a new poll finds, and experts see a raft of reasons why: a drumbeat of voices from talk radio to die-hard bloggers to the Oval Office, a surprise headline here or there, a rallying around a partisan flag, and a growing need for people, in their own minds, to justify the war in Iraq.

People tend to become "independent of reality" in these circumstances, says opinion analyst Steven Kull.

[...]

But the Pentagon and outside experts stressed that these abandoned shells, many found in ones and twos, were 15 years old or more, their chemical contents were degraded, and they were unusable as artillery ordnance. Since the 1990s, such "orphan" munitions, from among 160,000 made by Iraq and destroyed, have turned up on old battlefields and elsewhere in Iraq, ex-inspectors say. In other words, this was no surprise.

"These are not stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction," said Scott Ritter, the ex-Marine who was a U.N. inspector in the 1990s. "They weren't deliberately withheld from inspectors by the Iraqis."

Makes sense to me

2006-08-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

My friend KL e-mailed me this the other day.

From the reliably funny Mark Morford.

Enough already

2006-08-01T23:26:00.000-07:00

In case you have any remaining illusions that Fucky McFucker gives a good goddamn about the world...

As part of his new media strategy to get out of Washington and reconnect with the voters, President Bush dined with "community leaders" Sunday night in Miami Beach.

Or so the White House wanted you to believe.

In fact, Bush spent the evening at the exclusive Joe's Stone Crabs restaurant talking about sports and movies with a bunch of former Miami Dolphins football players, an actor and the flamboyant host of a raunchy and ribald Spanish-language variety show.

It was only hours after Bush had learned that an Israeli air strike had killed dozens of Lebanese children, a moment for soul-searching if there ever was one.

But what did Bush want to talk about?

Former Dolphin Jim Kiick told Steve Wine of the Associated Press that topics of conversation included movies, the 1972 Dolphins and fellow attendee and former Dolphin Dan Marino's achievements -- but little politics.

Politically active

2006-07-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

So, tonight J says, "I want to be Carrie Bradshaw."

"She's kind of shallow," I said. (Full disclosure: I like the mind-numbing, but frequently funny Sex and the City. I don't want their lives, but I love to watch.) "Does she ever do any volunteer work? Does she even vote?"

"People don't do that stuff on TV," J said. "But remember that time she went to a fundraiser for that politician who wanted to pee on her?"

Something light

2006-07-24T19:54:00.000-07:00

Here's a yummy meal that won't heat up your kitchen.

Pour 1 1/2 cups of boiling water over one cup of uncoooked bulgur in a large bowl. Cover and let it sit for 15-20 minutes until the water is absorbed. Add olive oil, fresh lemon juice, salt and pepper to taste. Add two medium seeded, cubed tomatoes, two sliced green onions and crumbled feta cheese to taste. Serve with diced cucumbers tossed in a little plain yogurt, lemon juice and salt and pepper.

Too cute

2006-07-24T19:37:00.000-07:00

Look!

This is Catherine's dog Liam. Or, should I say Catherine is Liam's person? Either way, he is the cutest little guy.

I'm not a dog person, but I am smitten.

Test

2006-07-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

WTF is up with Blogger?

Question for Rush Limbaugh

2006-07-14T22:14:00.000-07:00

Given your disdain for politically correct language and the recent revelations about your little blue pills, how would you like people to refer to your medical condition? Do you prefer "impotence" or "ED"?

Eeewlogy

2006-07-12T19:05:00.000-07:00

While I'm not a bit surprised that Ken Lay's family and friends didn't rip him a posthumous new asshole, I'm horrified that a minister would praise him. Didn't Jesus have something to say about not fucking people over?

Lay recalled as an honest man by friends and family

Ken Lay was remembered as an honest man dedicated to his family and to God today as more than a thousand friends, former employees and dignitaries packed the First United Methodist church for the former Enron chief's Houston memorial service.

[...]

The Rev. Bill Lawson, pastor of Wheeler Avenue Baptist Church, likened Lay to James Byrd, an African-American man who was dragged to death in a racially motivated murder near Jasper eight years ago.

"Ken Lay was neither black nor poor as James Byrd was," Lawson said. "But I'm angry because he was the victim of a lynching." Lawson, who also spoke at Lay's Colorado memorial service, likened the businessman to President John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., and Jesus — all of whom, the minister said, were wrongly victimized.

Lawson noted that Lay was rich and powerful and gave to many political campaigns over the years. "He was a lover of people," Lawson said.

"Those who did not like him have had their say, and I'd like to have mine," Lawson said. "And I don't care what you think."

OK, then. Lay was neither black nor poor, nor murdered by racist fucks, but he was still a lynching victim, according to a civil rights activist and community leader. Oh, and he was Kennedyesque, too. And kind of like Dr. King. And way Jesusy.

Anybody here seen my old friend Ken?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He freed a lot of people,
But it seems the good they die young.
I just looked around and he's gone.

Top ten signs you're a fundamentalist Christian

2006-07-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

From the best of craigslist:

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

Bush birthday update

2006-07-11T22:42:00.000-07:00

It may have been Fucky McFucker's birthday, but I got the nicest gift in my mailbox last week. What could be better than the perfect word, at the perfect time? I won't need to return this, since it fits perfectly.

Of course, one could argue that hubris is F McF's "gift." He has certainly been blessed with an abundance of it.

Rupert Murdoch's MySpace

2006-07-07T23:23:00.000-07:00

This is pretty funny.

You look like a monkey

2006-07-06T19:12:00.000-07:00

And you act like one, too.*

Fucky McFucker is 60 today! Let's all wish him a happy birthday.

*An unevolved, poo-flinging monkey.

Today is rambling post day

2006-07-05T22:03:00.000-07:00

Happy 5th of July, everyone! Happy birthday to P.T. Barnum and Dolly the Sheep!

I'm a day late, you say? I missed out on all of the festivities? Not according to Googlism, which says that the 5th of july:

is a much more interesting ride
is not so brazen
is one of the busiest days of the year for the maricopa county animal control services
is a day you wake up faintly remembering a parade
is not necessarily a holiday for everyone

And anyway, I did celebrate yesterday, in a spectactularly liberal fashion. I got up bright and early and braided my leg hair, which I had previously dyed red, white and blue. After gnashing my teeth and cursing all that is patriotic and holy, I tossed a bunch of American flags on the barbecue and laughed maniacally as they burned. (Pretty, pretty fire!) What else? Oh yes, I sacrificed a goat and then...oh fuck it, I'm no Ann Coulter.

Two headlines

2006-07-05T20:51:00.000-07:00

CNN headline: Enron founder Ken Lay dies

CNN headline (international edition): Enron fraudster Lay dies

I find this fascinating. Both headlines are true, both contain almost the same number of words, and the difference is one two-syllable word, which in both cases begins with an "f" and ends with "er."* And yet, there is a world of difference.

*One day I'd like to see a headline about Bush in which he is described as a "f___er."

Correction

2006-06-28T21:59:00.000-07:00

Hey, Fox News, Bill O'Reilly and other BushCo shills — have you heard? John Murtha was misquoted in that Sun Sentinel story. He never said "the American presence in Iraq is more dangerous to world peace than nuclear threats from North Korea or Iran." The Sun Sentinel misquoted him, and you ran with it.

Here is the Sun-Sentinel's correction:

"An article in Sunday's editions misinterpreted a comment from U.S. Rep. John Murtha, D-Pa., at a town hall meeting in North Miami on Saturday. In his speech, Murtha said U.S. credibility was suffering because of continued U.S. military presence in Iraq , and the perception that the U.S. is an occupying force. Murtha was citing a recent poll, by the Pew Global Attitudes Project, that indicates a greater percentage of people in 10 of 14 foreign countries consider the U.S. in Iraq a greater danger to world peace than any threats posed by Iran or North Korea."

Ha!

2006-06-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

Tom Tomorrow on The absolutely true story of the liberal cocktail party that caused a lifelong Democrat to become a Republican!

After you've laughed your ass off, go to Tom's blog and laugh some more as he takes on David "Bobo" Brooks.

PS Conservatives: Our satirists/pundits/columnists are funnier than yours. What's the best you've got? Brooks? Ben Stein? Dennis Miller? /snicker

Sorry, dicky ≠ funny.

The Dark Side

2006-06-21T22:42:00.000-07:00

Did you catch Frontline's The Dark Side the other night? If not, you can watch this excellent documentary online.

The title refers to Dick Cheney's ominous post-9/11 pronouncement that the government would have to operate on the "dark side." As many of us know, and as Frontline makes clear, Cheney has been operating in the shadows for decades.

The Dark Side covers familiar territory — the selective use of "facts" to justify a war that had been plannned for years, rendition, or the outsourcing of torture, that Cheney is the man pulling the strings, to name a few examples. What makes The Dark Side so compelling are the timeline of events leading to war and the numerous interviews with former insiders — from the CIA, State and DoD.

Do watch if you can.

Work stuff

2006-06-19T22:29:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks at work have been difficult. I won't bore you with the details, but let me just say that I've been working with an arrogant asshole, and because I am such a fucking professional, I've had to bite my tongue and keep my opinions to myself. Fortunately, AA is leaving, but it's been awful dealing with that worm-infested bad apple.

Speaking of work, this article from The Onion was just what I needed today. Enjoy!

Knock knock

2006-06-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

Who's there?
Your civil liberties.

Just kidding. It's the cops, and guess what? They don't have to knock anymore.

A divided Supreme Court said Thursday that police with search warrants who barged into homes without knocking didn't risk having evidence they uncovered tossed out at trial, a ruling that civil liberties advocates called a major blow to privacy protections.

The 5-4 decision turns on a distinction drawn between how police enter a home and what they find once they're inside.

Yes, the so-called knock-and-announce rule is violated when police fail to announce their presence and wait a reasonable amount of time before entering someone's home. But no, that violation isn't sufficiently related to what they find during a search to justify banning drugs, guns or any other evidence that's uncovered from later criminal proceedings.

Justice Antonin Scalia said the increasing professionalism of police and the threat of civil suits was enough of a deterrent to keep officers from abusing their authority.

Mental tchotchkes

2006-06-14T23:25:00.000-07:00

I can bend my arms backwards at the elbows. It's pretty cool.

One day, I will ask a fundamentalist, "If Jesus told you to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, would you do it?"

I am ADD enough to leave the iron on when I leave for work and OCD enough to obsess all day about burning down my place. So, I have a little trick that keeps visions of homelessness and lawsuits out of my head. When I'm done with the iron, I pull the plug, stare at the outlet and say, "See? No plug." Then I pick up the iron and move it across the room. Sometimes I'll shake the cord a few times and then stare at the outlet again.

Number one with a bullet

2006-06-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

A few bullets, actually. Have you seen Hadji Girl? It's disgusting. That some are trying to claim it is a joke, a kind of satire or parody, is equally disgusting and either completely disingenuous or just ignorant — I'm not sure which.

Satire's purpose is to mock those in power. Think of the journalist's maxim: Afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted. (Seriously, think about it. That's what journalists used to do before they began brazenly giving handjobs to the GOP on cable news.) If you're the oppressor, and you mock those you are oppressing, you are not being funny, or edgy, or satirical. You are openly declaring your cruelty and stupidity.

Of course, what do I know? I'm a humor-challenged progressive, so I don't bust a gut laughing at little girls being used as human shields.

Watch the video here.

Colbert!

2006-06-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

Stephen Colbert addressed the graduating class of Knox College on Saturday.

My favorite part:

And when you enter the workforce, you will find competition from those crossing our all-too-poorest borders. Now I know you’re all going to say, “Stephen, Stephen, immigrants built America.” Yes, but here’s the thing—it’s built now. I think it was finished in the mid-70s sometime. At this point it’s a touch-up and repair job. But thankfully Congress is acting and soon English will be the official language of America. Because if we surrender the national anthem to Spansih, the next thing you know, they’ll be translating the Bible. God wrote it in English for a reason! So it could be taught in our public schools.

So we must build walls. A wall obviously across the entire southern border. That’s the answer. That may not be enough—maybe a moat in front of it, or a fire-pit. Maybe a flaming moat, filled with fire-proof crocodiles. And we should probably wall off the northern border as well. Keep those Canadians with their socialized medicine and their skunky beer out. And because immigrants can swim, we’ll probably want to wall off the coasts as well. And while we’re at it, we need to put up a dome, in case they have catapults. And we’ll punch some holes in it so we can breathe. Breathe free. It’s time for illegal immigrants to go—right after they finish building those walls. Yes, yes, I agree with me.

Full commencement address here

A little Friday night schadenfreude

2006-06-02T18:54:00.000-07:00

Oops, looks like Ann Coulter may have voted illegally. I just hate when that happens.

A poll worker reported to his supervisors that he saw Coulter try to vote in the precinct closest to her Palm Beach home. But when she was told the address on her voter's registration was elsewhere, Coulter ran out instead of correcting it and ended up voting in a precinct that wasn't hers. Knowingly voting in the wrong precinct in Florida is a felony.

More from Brad Blog.

To anyone foolish enough to pity Pretty Girl for her legal woes: let me serenade you with the world's smallest violin while you check out these gems from Ms. Coulter:

"When contemplating college liberals, you really regret once again that John Walker is not getting the death penalty. We need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically intimidate liberals, by making them realize that they can be killed, too. Otherwise, they will turn out to be outright traitors."

"Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like liberals do. Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now."

And my favorite:

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war."

Anyone want to place a bet that she'll find a way to use this story to her advantage?

The lighter side of 9/11

2006-06-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

From the Daou Report, an excerpt of a 2003 Ladies' Home Journal with our sitcom First Family:

"[Peggy] Noonan: You were separated on September 11th. What was it like when you saw each other again?

Mrs. Bush: Well, we just hugged. I think there was a certain amount of security in being with each other than being apart.

President Bush: But the day ended on a relatively humorous note. The agents said, "You'll be sleeping downstairs. Washington's still a dangerous place." And I said no, I can't sleep down there, the bed didn't look comfortable. I was really tired, Laura was tired, we like our own bed. We like our own routine. You know, kind of a nester. Like the way things are. I knew I had to deal with the issue the next day and provide strength and comfort to the country, and so I needed rest in order to be mentally prepared. So I told the agent we're going upstairs, and he reluctantly said okay. Laura wears contacts, and she was sound asleep. Barney was there. And the agent comes running up and says, "We're under attack. We need you downstairs," and so there we go. I'm in my running shorts and my T-shirt, and I'm barefooted. Got the dog in one hand, Laura had a cat, I'm holding Laura --

Mrs. Bush: I don't have my contacts in, and I'm in my fuzzy house slippers --

President Bush: And this guy's out of breath, and we're heading straight down to the basement because there's an incoming unidentified airplane, which is coming toward the White House. Then the guy says it's a friendly airplane. And we hustle all the way back upstairs and go to bed.

Mrs. Bush: [laughs] And we just lay there thinking about the way we must have looked.

Noonan: So the day starts in tragedy and ends in Marx Brothers.

President Bush: That's right -- we got a laugh out of it." [Emphasis added]

You know that cozy feeling you get when you've laughed so hard your stomach hurts, when you know everyone is safe, when you've shared a moment with your spouse and your Secret Service agents? Isn't that the best? And then you get to cuddle in bed, eating popcorn and rehashing the days events. You get to say stuff like "You looked so cute in your fuzzy slippers, squinting without your contacts and your hair all messed up." And "Well, what about you, snuggle bunny? Freaking out over that unidentified plane. Was my widdle boy a fraidy cat?" And then the good-natured teasing leads to a pillow fight and some serious tickling, followed by sweet dreams and the deep sleep that comes with knowing all is right with the world.

Well, I'm glad somebody slept well that night.

Gay people are scary

2006-05-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

Listen

This is from Paul Hipp, the same guy who brought us The Decider and I'm So Loathsome I Could Spy.

Waste of time

2006-05-23T23:01:00.000-07:00

Don't you just hate stupid online polls? Who answers these things, anyway? Since this one managed to somehow squeak by my pop-up blocker, I thought I'd have a little fun with it. I didn't need to alter the photo at all; W looks ridiculous withouut my help. Go figure.

My friend, the monthly visitor

2006-05-19T23:04:00.000-07:00

Euphemisms for body parts or functions are stupid — unless they're funny. My friend Sophie and I call our periods "Eve." As in, "I feel shitty. Eve's here. Bitch couldn't keep her mitts off that fucking apple. Thanks a pantsload." (Well, Sophie and I find that funny.) I haven't heard anyone else refer to Auntie Flo in that manner, which is a shame, so imagine my delight when I saw that the TamPontification! site is collecting period nicknames. I submitted "Eve" a few days, and voila!

Damn flirty apes

2006-05-17T22:16:00.000-07:00

Human and Chimp Ancestors Might Have Interbred

The earliest known ancestors of modern humans might have reproduced with early chimpanzees to create a hybrid species, a new genetic analysis suggests.

Please don't insert a W joke here. Yes, he looks simian, but I doubt that our cousins/SOs would be flattered by the comparison.

Have a heart

2006-05-17T19:52:00.000-07:00

Wow, this is low, even for a Republican.

What may be a Hall of Fame moment in the annals of political ads may have come down in the GOP race for 25th State Assembly District race in the Modesto area this week.

We're talking the campaign mailer in which GOP candidate Bill Conrad attacks opponent Tom Berryhill -- for having a heart transplant.

The headline of the direct mail piece -- in blood red ink, no less: "Tom Berryhill doesn't have the HEART for State Assembly."

That's accompanied by a handy list of "Heart Transplant Facts."

It gets better.

[Conrad] dismissed phone calls and e-mails his campaign received complaining about the mailer, saying he believed they came from Berryhill supporters and likely were orchestrated by his opponent's campaign.

"They sounded scripted to me," Conrad said.

Awesome display of personal responsibility, candidate Conrad! When someone is offended by your disgusting tactics, put it back on them. Deflect and deny, like a good Republican.

Do you feel a little heartsick after reading this? I do. While I'd usually enjoy seeing one Republican attack another, this is way out of line. Try to stick to the issues, guys. Although I guess Conrad can't do that, as his views are likely as repugnant as his opponent's.

According to his web site, Berryhill is an NRA Life Member (isn't that oxymoronic?) and has received an endorsement from the gayhating "Reverend" Lou Sheldon. Berryhill also has a chip on his shoulder about San Francisco, saying "San Francisco's law-breaking politicians and their supporters in the Legislature must understand that they should be held accountable. I will introduce a bill that if passed will send public officials to jail for breaking California's marriage laws" and "I will stand up to the San Francisco politicians who want Californian families to pay for their extreme social experiments." Not sure what he means by that last bit, but whatever. Also, someone should tell Berryhill's webmaster that there is only one space between sentences, not two. A computer is not a typewriter, you know.

Walking the walk and walking out

2006-05-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

I wonder: how many of us are as courageous as Steve Almond? Almond, a professor at Boston College, quit his job after learning that Condi Rice was invited to speak at graduation ceremonies. In an open letter to the president of the college, Almond says

I cannot, in good conscience, exhort my students to pursue truth and knowledge, then collect a paycheck from an institution that displays such flagrant disregard for both.

Read the rest of his letter here.

How low can he go?

2006-05-11T23:31:00.000-07:00

Lower than Nixon: 29% Can we please just ITMFA?

Drag, drop and help

2006-05-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

Look what ae found: TamPontification!, an easy way to help women in need. Make a virtual donation, and Seventh Generation will give a box of tampons or pads to a women's shelter.

Inspiration

2006-05-10T21:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the simplest ideas are the best. This is brilliant.

Trevor Field, a retired advertising executive, had done well in life and wanted to give back to his community. He noticed that in many rural villages around the eastern Cape, the burden of collecting water fell mainly to the women and girls of the household. Each morning, he'd see them set off to the nearest borehole to collect water. They used leaky and often contaminated hand-pumps to collect the water, then they carried it back through the bush in buckets weighing 40 pounds. It was exhausting and time-consuming work.

[...]

Field then teamed up with an inventor and came up with the "play pump" -- a children's merry-go-round that pumps clean, safe drinking water from a deep borehole every time the children start to spin. Soup to nuts, the whole operation takes a few hours to install and costs around $7,000. Field's idea proved so inventive, so cost-efficient and so much fun for the kids that World Bank recognized it as one of the best new grassroots ideas.

In true ad-man style, Field's next idea was to use the play pump's water towers as makeshift billboards, selling ad space to help pay for the upkeep. He reserves a spot for the national loveLife campaign, which helps educate children about HIV and AIDS. "We've got to get the message through to them before they become sexually active," he says. "It seems to be working."

I love this! One man with a simple, ingenious idea, kids with a new toy, and who knows how many lives saved.

Read more about play pumps here.

A Swift kick in the ass

2006-05-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

It's been 48 hours, and Stephen Colbert still rules. I keep turning on the news, hoping to see reaction to his performance and I'm stunned by the silence. I can't imagine why the MSM isn't reporting that Colbert made them look like incompetent, fearful yes-people.

Fortunately, we have the blogosphere and Mark Morford.

If you heart Stephen Colbert, too...

2006-04-30T22:34:00.000-07:00

...you can thank him here.

(Hat tip to fuzzy and blue)

I heart Stephen Colbert

2006-04-30T21:27:00.000-07:00

Whatever else you do today, just please go watch him in action. Watch him hand Bush's ass to him at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Watch a true patriot speaking truth to power.

(Hat tip to Shakespeare's Sister)

Update: You Tube yanked the video, but you can still catch it at
IFILM.

Come to Jesus, part one

2006-04-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

We need more Christians. A lot more. And I don't mean the groovy, peaceful, emulate-Jesus-but-don't brag-about-it types — fuck them, they're boring. No, what we need are loads more passionate believers, those who ache for God, burn for him and are apeshit in love — so much so that God considers getting a restraining order.

We need more people like Kirk Cameron.

The Decider

2006-04-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

Just go listen.

Family values

2006-04-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

Here's a nice Easter story about families engaging in a wholesome tradition: the White House Easter Egg Roll. Among the 16,000 people in attendance were 100 gay and lesbian families. Fucky and Mrs. McFucker left before the first gay families appeared, and "most other families at Monday's event seemed unfazed by the attendance of the families in their rainbow leis." Maybe the tide is turning, finally. It has to happen at some point. Maybe seeing these families engaging in radical activities like being parents and wanting to marry will change a few hearts and minds.

I don't want to read too much into this, but I did wander over to Freeperville and saw a tiny glimpse of light. Reacting to Laura Bush's statement that all families were welcome at the Egg Roll, one of the Freepers said, "I'm so disappointed in the Bushes." And another Freeper responded: "And you're ridiculous. What are they supposed to do, put out a sign "No gays allowed"? FR is turning into bigot-central." You think? As far as I can tell, Free Republic has always been lousy with bigots, but when one of their own starts to raise these questions, I can't help but feel the teeniest bit hopeful.

What's so good about it anyway?

2006-04-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

I've always felt that this day should be called Sorrowful Friday; at least that's how Christians should refer to it. Makes sense to me anyway. Easter is the good, happy day. Crucifixion? Not so much.

Still, however one chooses to observe — or not observe — this time of year is a private matter — unless you're the president of Pennsylvania TV station WNEP. Then you get to decide that broadcasting a baseball team's opening game on Good Friday is inappropriate. Instead, WNEP will air the tabloid shows “Inside Edition" and “Primetime." I guess an interview with Operating Thetan Seven Tom Cruise is much more appropriate for this sacred day than baseball.

An early Fitzmas?

2006-03-29T19:09:00.000-08:00

ae of Arse Poetica posts some hopefully hopeful news about possible indictments of two administration officials. Yay!

Oh, ae, I'm hoping against hope, too, and crossing my fingers, saying incantations, lighting candles, not stepping on cracks, avoiding ladders, black cats and broken mirrors. Right now, I'm closing my eyes and saying my favorite prayer: "Please, please, please. Please, oh please."*

*While it may apppear to be begging, this is a really good prayer and can be said by believers, agnostics and atheists. Try it, in addition to everything else you're doing to fight the madness. It can't hurt, right?

But I quibble...

2006-03-28T21:58:00.000-08:00

Is it just me, or is something a little off about this article's headline ?

Wednesday Edition: Friday Is the Anniversary of Terri Schiavo's Death

What about this St. Petersburg Times article? [emphasis mine]

As Terri Schiavo lay dying in a Pinellas Park hospice, many who wanted to keep her alive challenged lawmakers nationwide to change state laws to prevent a similar ordeal.

But a year after Schiavo's death, few new laws have been adopted that deal specifically on when to take a loved one off life support.

This week marks the anniversary of the removal of Terri Schiavo's feeding tube. She died fifteen or so years ago, and her autopsy proved that, Bill Frist's diagnosis-by-video notwithstanding.

FYA

2006-03-20T20:46:00.000-08:00

For your amusement...happy first day of spring, everyone!

I can't believe my eyes

2006-03-18T12:31:00.000-08:00

Here's what to do if your eyeball ever falls out of its socket. I'm going to resist the urge to say I'm always having to pop my eyes back in after seeing BushCo's ongoing idiocies.

Bush lied

2006-03-18T12:22:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. It boggles the mind that occasionally this adminstration is less than forthright.

The press, flown in from Baghdad to this agricultural gridiron northeast of Samarra, huddled around the Iraqi officials and U.S. Army commanders who explained that the "largest air assault since 2003" in Iraq using over 50 helicopters to put 1500 Iraqi and U.S. troops on the ground had netted 48 suspected insurgents, 17 of which had already been cleared and released. The area, explained the officials, has long been suspected of being used as a base for insurgents operating in and around Samarra, the city north of Baghdad where the bombing of a sacred shrine recently sparked a wave of sectarian violence.

But contrary to what many many television networks erroneously reported, the operation was by no means the largest use of airpower since the start of the war. ("Air Assault" is a military term that refers specifically to transporting troops into an area.) In fact, there were no airstrikes and no leading insurgents were nabbed in an operation that some skeptical military analysts described as little more than a photo op. What’s more, there were no shots fired at all and the units had met no resistance, said the U.S. and Iraqi commanders.

Full story here

Hat tip: AMERICAblog

O'Connor speaks out

2006-03-15T06:58:00.000-08:00

Just go to Raw Story and read this. Retired Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O'Connor spoke at Georgetown University Monday and blasted Republicans for their stance on "activist" judges.

I, said O’Connor, am against judicial reforms driven by nakedly partisan reasoning. Pointing to the experiences of developing countries and former communist countries where interference with an independent judiciary has allowed dictatorship to flourish, O’Connor said we must be ever-vigilant against those who would strongarm the judiciary into adopting their preferred policies. It takes a lot of degeneration before a country falls into dictatorship, she said, but we should avoid these ends by avoiding these beginnings.

Unfortunately the transcript of the speech wasn't available for broadcast, but Raw Story links to the audio of Nina Totenberg's report.

When a retired Supreme Court justice warns that we could be headed toward a dictatorship, the media should fucking pay attention. We've been warned. Hell, even W warned us, years ago.

Incivil/Unserious	Civil/Serious
*“fck”**	Suggest that Arab countries, being too primative for democracy, should be reduced to rubble.
*“sht”**	Imply that the media is working with al Qaeda.
*“wnkr”*	Wonder if the Clintons were involved in the murder of Princess Diana.