USA! USA! USA!

Have y'all met Mark Morford? A true American, Morford is irreverent, smart, wicked funny and passionate - fine American qualities exclusive to Americans. To anyone who disagrees: a big fuck you, you fucking America hater. See today's column for a brilliant mockery of "America We Stand As One", a truly bad/fabulous music video by patriotic crooner Dennis Madalone. Sample mockery:

"I want to be him. I want to know that level of shockingly uninformed bliss, just for a minute. Hey, maybe I've been mistaken all these years. Maybe that really is America! Maybe it really is all about saccharine unity and love and shiny happy children..."

What would that state of ignorance be like? To be so literal-minded, to never eat the forbidden fruit? I couldn't do it. Someone telling me to stay away from an apple because I might learn something? No way. I want apple pie, apple fritters, apple pandowdy, tarte tatin. I want apple cider running down my face. Give me apples. lots of apples! Give Madalone an apple, too, so he won't say stuff like: "Dennis Madalone did not authorize or assist in the production, creation, or concept behind alternative 'spoof' videos of America We Stand As One. DO NOT BE FOOLED BY IMITATIONS!" Gee, Dennis, that never occurred to me. I can see you put your heart and soul into AWSAO and you must be way too tired to turn around and make another video, let alone one that makes you look like an idiot.

All that treacly patriotism and sentimentality gives me the dry heaves. Not that we should be jaded and cynical, but a little restraint would be nice. And the absence of a heart on one's sleeve does not signify the absence of a heart.

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Must-see TV

PBS's Now is the best news show on television. (The Daily Show is number two.) I'll be watching this Friday to see a tour of Gitmo and hear a former Abu Ghraib prisoner speak out about the torture he suffered there.

"How we treat those we regard as our enemies says a lot about who we are as Americans, and as ethical people who live by our own rules," says host David Brancaccio, reporting from the U.S. military camp at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where more than 500 suspected terrorists are being held indefinitely in what he calls a "legal blackhole."

Watch.

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Waaaay overdue plugs

I've been adding new and interesting people to my blogroll. Most of the coolness I've found can be traced back to the infinitely cool and gracious L-girl. Some blogs I've found on my own, and some have found me.

Noah of Nero Fiddled found me before he saw that I'd quoted him here. At least, I think that's how it went. I'd like to think so because that would be another instance of the serendipity I'm so fond of. Anway, check out Noah's most recent post, Sharing the Island. It's really good - the whole blog is excellent.

I was delighted that Citizen's Rent mentioned the Crab* in her series Friday Random 10: Subvert the Dominant Link Hierarchy. Kathy's blog is excellent reading.

There is so much blogaliciousness out there, and I'll plug more in the coming weeks. Plugging is fun!

And if you get the urge to plug yourself, Shakespeare's Sister generously offers blogwhoring a few times a week. If any of my blog buddies are feeling shy, I'll be happy to pimp you. I will turn you out.

*I'm not referring to myself in the third person. Really, I'm not. That's just weird.

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Corporate miscellany

As promised in an earlier post, I have some "interesting" stories to tell about some of the "interesting" people I've met through various jobs. By interesting, I might mean venal, controlling, petty, shallow and stupid, or I could refrain from editorializing and let you, dear reader, reach those same conclusions yourself.

The Case of the Low-EQ Salesperson
A very impatient salesperson, Dicky, was trying to get the attention of our receptionist, who was in the middle of an important call. He walked up to her desk and started to speak. Brenda held up her index finger to say "Just a minute" and continued talking. He stamped his foot and waved in her face, so she swiveled her chair to get away from the hand. Dicky walked around to face her again, and Brenda pointed to the phone, shrugged and mouthed "I can't talk now. Sorry." Dicky decided he'd had enough of being Mr. Nice Guy, so he lifted his foot up and waved it right in her face. Brenda ended the phone call.

The Case of the Bow Blouse Woman
I was having lunch one day with my friend Melinda. The restaurant was crowded and we were way too close to the two women at the next table. One woman, whom I'll call Yuppie, was blathering on about her job and all of her responsibilities and fiddling with the bow on her silkesque blouse. Melinda and I rolled our eyes simultaneously and tried to hear each other over Yuppie's droning. I did think for a moment that I was being judgmental, until I heard Yuppie say, "When you look at it from the peon perspective." But then I started laughing because that was just so fucking funny, and maybe I had totally misread her. Yuppie wasn't an uptight bitch, after all. She gave me an odd look and then I realized she was serious. The lesson learned that day? People not only think such horrible thoughts, but they voice them. Publicly. Shamelessly. But I guess that's not surprising when viewed from the uptight bitch perspective.

The Case of the Explosive Boss
My time with Daniel was short and bittersweet bitter. He was impatient, angry and swore incessantly. He scared me. Much as I like to drop the fuck bomb, I find violent cursing unnerving. I mean, what the fuck was he so mad about? Daniel would greet the worker bees ieach morning with a grunt and a cynical smile and lock himself in his office, where he threw pens, yelled "goddammit" and turned "shit" into a three-syllable word. He told me, "If you ever have any questions, just knock." Uh huh. I kept my questions to myself, until one day I couldn't finish a project without Daniel's help. I stood outside his door, peeking through the window, waiting for the latest tantrum to be over. He had his back to me and just when he appeared to calm down, he leaned to one side, lifted his butt and (I'm almost certain) farted. I decided that I would hold my question. Just at that moment, he turned around and saw me seeing him. Things were never the same between us.

To be continued...

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Do you ever receive abusive e-mails at work? It happens. I got one a couple of years ago that simply said "Fuck you, assholes" and after realizing that none of my typical canned responses were appropriate, I developed this template. I hope you find it helpful, should you happen to receive one of these challenging e-mails.

Dear [customer name],

I am struck by your terse, tight prose - evocative of Hemingway at the height of his genius - and your excellent command of rugged Anglo Saxon language. Your writing is concise (such economy of words!), and at the same time pregnant with meaning. And yet...there is some ambiguity here. Do you have a specific complaint about [your product/service name here] or are you just saying "Hey"?

Sincerely,
Asshole

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DSL

Yes, I did it. Finally! I am now zippy and zingy, and I'll fly through the blogosphere with the greatest of ease. I have been baptized in the cool, clean waters of high-speed connection, and I've raptured to a better place. Oh yea, I have seen the light. Hallelujah! Can I get a witness?

PS I smite you, 56k modem.

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Freep thoughts

Sometimes, just for fun, I mosey on over to the Freep site to see what the lunatic fringe is up to. You know, to see if they're still bloviating and blathering and making up names for the liberal elite. Names like Hitlery, DeathoCrats and Rat Reid. The names are imaginative, but lack subtlety, much like their creators.

I just checked and all is well in Freeperville. The air over there is thick with hyperbole, the far-righties are just as mean and fearful and angry as ever, and they're still high-fiving each other over their personal relationships with Jesus, bless their hearts. Once saved, always saved, I suppose. It's a pretty sweet deal. Proclaim your faith loudly and often, and you can do whatever the fuck you please. Ethics shmethics. Ethics are for heathens.

Oh yeah, you can make lots of money, too, because God wants you to be prosperous. Praise Jesus, he wants you to keep more of your own money. Jesus is down with the ownership society and the bankruptcy bill. But maybe you're afraid of feeling guilty about those tax breaks, while so many are suffering. Well, of course, silly, you have to dump your conscience. Don't worry, it's not difficult. You won't even have to think about it. In fact, you won't have to do any thinking if that appeals to you.

Here's a sample comment from a real Christian:

"To them, Gubamint IS God..

Take away their 'God' from them and they have nothing left to live for.. not such a troubling thought if one thinks about it. ;-)"

Nice. Progressive politics is inconsistent with spirtuality because we worship at the altar of BIG GOVERNMENT. If you take that away from us, we will kill ourselves- and good riddance. Doesn't sound terribly Jesusy to me. Also, if you're going to wish death on a group of people, lay off the emoticons. Tacky, tacky.

This next part isn't terribly Christian of me, but I can't resist :) :-D ;-) :-X >-)

In between the holy hug fests and the Terri Schiavo keening, the Freepers can get downright nasty. I kid you not. I found this interesting thread about the Rhode island nightclub fire. I'm not linking to these idiots, so if you want to see it, just paste this at the end of the Freep URL: /focus/f-news/1346852/posts. This bit of wisdom was the first response to a very sad story:

"Waiting for justice my ass. I guess they would be alive if they stayed home with their kids. Life is all about decisions you make."

That was hateful, even for a Freeper. Someone told this heartless bozo as much, and then the fur was flying. There's a surprise: mean people turning on each other. I'm trying not to read too much into that, but I will say a hopeful little prayer that it continues and that the ugliness becomes too much for the rest of the electorate to ignore. Amen.

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L@@K!!

Oh my freaking god, this is good. I just found Tom DeLay's House of Scandal, thanks to the Daou Report,which links to this Raw Story article. I haven't had a chance to look at it in detail, but believe me, I will. Oh, this is going to be good.

Tell your friends!

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Long-winded disclaimer

I talk a lot of shit about fundamentalist Christians and I realize that could offend some nice people.

So, let me be very clear. This is basic stuff, but not everyone's gotten the message, so it bears repeating. Each of us has the right to worship the deity/deities of our choosing - or not. As I told one commenter on this blog, I don't care if people worship a fucking ham sandwich. If someone wants to think the world is 6,000 years old, fine. If a person believes Fred and Wilma and Dino actually co-existed, swell. These beliefs defy logic and science and reason and fact, but whatever. The problem is when the fundies want that shit taught in public schools. Uh uh. Nope. Sorry, can't do it. Fundies, if you want to fill your children's head with that nonsense during home schooling, have at it. I wish you wouldn't because if you can get people to believe that humans were riding around on dinosaurs a few generations ago, well, you can pretty much convince them of anything. Like, oh, I don't know, that Sadaam Hussein was responsible for 9/11. People start support wars over crazy shit like that.

Anyway, I certainly don't hate Christians. Many of my family members are devout Catholics. They don't leave their brains at the door when they enter a church. In fact, they find that thinking can enhance the spiritual experience. Another family member is an evangelical Christian. She thinks Bush is a fucking asshole. Well, she doesn't use those exact words, but she can't stand the man and would never vote for him. She likes to think and she likes Jesus, too. See, Fundie? These aren't mutually exclusive. Reason and spirituality can live side by side, like ebony and ivory.

Speaking of side by side, there's room for us all at the table: atheists, agnostics, pagans, Christians, Buddhists, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Rastafarians and everyone who believes, doesn't believe, or isn't sure. There should be a place for each of us - reverent or irreverent. What about me, the fundie may ask. I say, If you can play nice and maybe listen and keep your mitts off the Constitution, our bodies and our public schools, then of course there's room. If you find you can't shut up and you just have to spread your fear and superstition and drench us in Rapture vomit, well, you'll find a nice place for you at the kiddie table, along with some crayons and great reading material.

And can we talk for a moment about hypocrisy, Fundie? I guess it's hard to see when you're so enmeshed, but I'll help you. As I mentioned, I have nothing against Christians. My issue is with the people who are all talk, no walk. I won't name names because that will just make you angrier. Anyway, the rest of us know who I mean. Please - like it's not totally fucking obvious. It was sure as hell obvious to Ambrose Bierce. I like his definition:

One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

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What should be on Bush's iPod

Here are the songs Fucky McFucker needs to hear.

What's So Funny About Peace, Love and Understanding?
Quit laughing, and quit smirking. The rest of us take this stuff seriously.

Travelin' Soldier
So Natalie Maines dared to criticize you and then the inbred crackers got their knickers in a bunch? Get over it and really listen to this Chicks song. It's called compassion, W.

Mayor of Simpleton
Pay particular attention to this line: "I'm not proud of the fact that I never learned much." Now that's the proper attitude. Do not wear your anti-intellectualism like a badge of honor.

Fortunate Son
isn't on the playlist, as this article points out. It should be, of course. And Dubs? After you've listened and hopefully understood what this song is about, do me a favor and tell Kid Rock that it's an anti-war song.

If I Had a Hammer
Oh, wait. You do have a hammer.

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Revoltin' Bolton

Some highlights of today's debate on Pacifica Radio about the Bolton nomination.

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Bolton in 1994: "The point that I want to leave with you in this very brief presentation is where I started is: there is no United Nations. There is an international community that occasionally can be led by the only real power left in the world, and that's the United States, when it suits our interest, and when we can get others to go along, and I think it would be a real mistake to count on the United Nations as if it’s some disembodied entity out there that can function on its own. When the United States leads, the United Nations will follow. When it suits our interest to do so, we will lead. When it does not suit our interest to do so, we will not, and I think that is the most important thing to carry away tonight."

The Heritage Foundation's Peter Brookes: "I think one of the things that’s misunderstood about John is that he is criticizing the U.N. because he wants to make it better and a more effective and transparent organization. He certainly can't disassemble it, as some people would suggest."

The Institute of Policy Studies' Phyllis Bennis: "I agree, the U.N. is desperately in need of reform. The question is what kind of reform. When we refer to the recent horrifying sex scandals among peacekeepers in Congo, would Peter suggest, as I have over the years, that what we really need is a standing international U.N.-run military force, which trains its own soldiers in international standards, not recruiting soldiers out of national armies in which all over the world, including our own, issues of abuse, sexual abuse, etc., are rampant?"

Here is the transcript.

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I like what John Kerry has to say about Bolton and other adminstration losers:

"Have you ever noticed that in the Bush Administration, the only way to get a job promotion is to bungle our national security? As under secretary of state for arms control and international security for the past four years, Mr. Bolton has achieved little. In fact, we secured more nuclear materials in the two years before September 11th than in the two years after. North Korea and Iran are now burgeoning nuclear states. This record earned John Bolton a nomination to the UN?"

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It will be a tough fight, and it doesn't appear that Lincoln Chaffee will come through.

And I know this is probably beside the point, but what is up with that small, furry thingy above his lip? I've heard a few people say it's a milk moustache, but if so, that's some curdled, hairy-ass milk. I like this guy's take on Bolton: "He is an enormous white moustache, with a fascist hiding behind it." But back to the superficial. I know, it's bad form to make fun of a person's appearance. If Bolton had acne scars, a bald head, or an extra toe, I wouldn't say a word. But that thing on his face? He did that. He chose that. He deliberately grew that thing and presumably is OK with it. Is that not another example of his shocking lack of judgement?

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Call for submissions

Is it just me, or does the far right suffer from a serious lack of taste? Granted, the threat they pose to our lives and liberties is a more urgent matter, but their tackiness must be addressed. Case in point: this ode to Terri Schiavo, found on the Cranky Rants site. Can a Franklin Mint Terri plate be far behind? Or maybe Thomas Kinkade will paint a tribute to her: "Hospice Bathed in God's Amber Heavenly Light, Amen."

So, what to do? Embrace this ungodly vulgarity as camp? That's an option, but I'm ambivalent about this. Kinkade's paintings may be too calculated to be considered true camp; they lack the necessary playfulness and innocence. Fundie art just isn't fun.

Instead, why don't we fight back, with some bad poetry of our own? If the feeding tube bard can pen his little homage to Terri, I can honor him with a limerick:

There once was a man who wrote doggerel
God help him he's going to blogger hell.
His blog's ugly and cluttered
Right wing bullshit he's sputtered.
Someone please pull the plug or else I will.

I also write wretched haiku.

How about it bloggers? Do you have any poetry to share? Maybe an elegy for the Bill of Rights? Or maybe a patriotic poem so cool that it will be turned into a song, recorded, and eventually remixed?

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Who said this?

“God and the truth are on our side. We will be victorious.”

Bush, aboard the USS Lincoln? John Ashcroft, standing in front of the blue curtain,vowing to keep us safe and porn-free? Billy Graham, during one of his crusades?

Nope, none of the above. Isn't it funny how all of these freak shows are starting to sound the same? If God sounds anything like me, s/he is saying, "WTF? Me damn it, don't misquote me."

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Quotes of the day

“When Bush's face appeared on giant screen TVs showing the ceremony, many in the crowds outside St. Peter's Square booed and whistled.”

"As he viewed the pope's body, Bush said, he felt 'very much at peace' and 'much more in touch with his spirit.'"

Full story here.

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Does anything bother this man? Whenever I see his loathsome, spoiled brat face, I am reminded of that gut-wrenching scene from In the Bedroom:

Matt: Look, I know that sometimes I let him get away with...
[Ruth interrupts him, smashing a plate on the floor]
Ruth: EVERYTHING!

Not that I'm comparing Bush with the innocent boy in the movie. But W HAS gotten away with everything. And I know how Sissy felt. Anyone with half a brain has felt that way for a long time now, and soon the rest will wake up and the plate smashing will begin.

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For God's sake

Aaaaaggggh!!! Stop it, fundies. Now. I'm serious.

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John Brown, a born-again Christian and founder of Zion Oil & Gas of Dallas, can quote chapter and verse about his latest drilling venture in Israel, where his company has an oil and gas exploration license covering 96,000 acres.

“Most blessed of sons be Asher. Let him be favored by his brothers and let him dip his foot in oil,” Brown quotes from Moses’s blessing to one of the 12 Tribes of Israel in Deuteronomy 33:24.

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Oh, for God's sake, must we be so literal? Do fundies honestly think Moses was giving them the thumbs up to drive Hummers? Maybe Asher needed a damned pedicure.

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Random acts of crabbiness

Allow me to go all Andy Rooney for a moment because sometimes it's the little things that drive a person crazy. Who decided that public gum snapping and smacking are acceptable? I understand the urge to chew - gum is tasty and bursting with flavor. While I'm not a fan, even I occasionally get the urge to gnaw on a stick of Juicy Fruit.

But it's hard to chew subtly. One time my daughter J offered me a stick of gum, and I delicately placed it in my mouth and proceeded to chew with my customary elegance. J watched me for a moment and said, "You look like Burt Reynolds." Ouch. I've never been a big public chewer, but that pretty much killed any of my exhibitionist tendencies. And even though I may not present a pretty picture with my gum. I at least know not to smack, which is more than I can say for a lot of people. For fuck's sake, guys, if you must chew, do it quietly.

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I hate monster SUVs: Tahoes, Denalis, Escalades, etc. Whose brilliant idea was it to name environment-fucking tanks after some of our most beautiful natural resources, anyway? Is that meant to appeal to the nature-lover that lives inside every knuckle-dragging mall denizen? Or is it more brazen than that, a big "Fuck you" to the rest of us? I think that might be it. Fine, and back at you. Be sure to check out the submissions page. And if you go to the fan/hate mail page, you'll see a lively discussion of the evils v. the merits of owning one of these pieces of shit. On the fan side, you can read such gems as "DON'T BE A HATER U FAGOT! JUST BECAUSE YOU CANT AFFORD IT." That's true, guy. I can't afford an H2, but you're kind of missing the point. Even if I did have that kind of money, I wouldn't buy an H2 because I'm not a fucking idiot.

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This is...

...unfuckingbelievable. See this story from ABC News. Is your doctor Physician of the Year? If so, he or she is in really good sleazy company. Yes, for a mere $1,250 contribution to the Repubs, a doctor can get a lovely and meaningless plaque, suitable for displaying in the office.

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Later that day, President Bush spoke at the NRCC dinner, thanking the attendees for their "investment" in the party. "You're making a wise investment about the future of this country, an investment made upon principle, an investment made upon freedom, an investment that will help us stay a prosperous nation, and an investment that will allow each and every American to rise to his or her own God-given talents," he said.

A Republican spokesman said there were thousands of doctors around the country content with their Physicians of the Year awards, and that there was nothing about the program to apologize for.

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God, can these people complete a sentence without invoking God? And here's a surprise. Marketing whiz Tom DeLay is the brains behind this program. Let's send him packing and let him practice his love in Texas.

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Without DeLay

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. Send this letter.

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Herbal medicine

This brings back memories. I attended a NORML conference as a teenager way back in the late 1970s. By that time, I was no longer smoking pot regularly, but I enjoyed the mellow vibe and the friendly people. These days I think twice before popping a Tylenol, and my drug of choice is this.

There's no way I'd start smoking again. Pot makes me both lazy and paranoid, and I'm able to achieve those states of mind without assistance. But while I can't get into pot these days, I can certainly see how it contributes to the greater good. And isn't that exactly what should concern us? If medicinal marijuana can alleviate suffering for AIDS and cancer patients, then what's the big deal? Californians passed Proposition 215 in 1996 and we've been fighting off the Feds ever since.

The Drug Policy Alliance has lots of good information about the wasteful and pointless war on drugs.

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More "culture of life" stuff

I have to start coming up with better titles, but I am so fucking pissed right now about this, that I just can't be creative. So Jeb Bush can cry his crocodile tears over Terri Schiavo and plan to forcibly take her into custody, and at the same time plan to execute a mentally ill man? The prisoner, Glen Ocha, is suicidal and has waived his right to appeal. He is scheduled to be executed next Tuesday. Floridians for Alternatives to the Death Penalty correctly calls this execution "assisted suicide."

I'm definitely less pissed about this next thing, but it is annoying. If you happened to catch Larry King tonight (why I watch that shit is a whole other story), you would have heard Nancy Reagan comparing Ronnie to the Pope. Here's the list:

• both were actors
• both loved the outdoors
• both were responsible for the fall of Communism
• both were shot
• Ronnie died in 2004, and the Pope started getting sick in 2004

There's probably more, but my head exploded, so I may have missed something. I just love when conservatives claim an affinity with the Pope. Sure, he's with you on birth control and stem cell research, but try consulting him on matters of peace and social justice. Or how about the death penalty? Uh huh, that's what I thought.

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