Their own personal Jesus

For a nonreligious person, I think about God a lot - I call myself a hopeful agnostic. I may not be 100% sure, but I do know one thing. Those dour, ass-clenching fundies are engaged in an unholy crusade against reason, civil liberties and joy. And I haven't seen one yet with a decent sense of humor. Mention that Jesus might not be pleased with their mean-spiritedness and they freak out and get all proprietary. "He's MY Jesus. Hands off, you harlot. My Jesus can totally kick your Jesus' ass." Well, I've never actually heard anyone say that, but I know that's what they're thinking. To which I say, "You talk to Jesus with that mouth?"

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors, but I'd like to believe that God has a sense of humor. And that he gave us each a brain so we could, oh I don't know, maybe USE it. I picture God shaking her head sadly at the confused little fundies and saying, "Why, oh why, must you be so literal?" I sure wouldn't want to be the one who made God cry.

I know this, too: Jesus loves a smart-ass. (Jesus loves me.)

Here's a joke that I just made up. If you know any fundies, you can try it out on them. They'll appreciate it. Or not.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Jesus
Jesus who?
Jesus, can't you guys take a joke? Lighten up!

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Administrative stuff

So much corruption, so much hypocrisy. So hard to keep up, even for the avid readers of the reality-based community. Here's a bit of relief - a scandal sheet highlighting Tom DeLay's ethical violations. File this under WTF.

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WTF now??

I am so tired of having to say WTF all the time, but I just can't help it. I know, I know. I shouldn't swear. I mean, what about the children? We must protect the children. So, kids, don't follow my example. I swore like a motherfucker when I was a child and look what happened. Oh wait, not a fucking thing. I'm doing fine. Kids, maybe that should be a lesson to you. Adults frequently talk out of their asses. Like this county zoning inspector in Indiana. Shit, what a dickhead.

Yes, God help the kiddies if they see a breast. Filthy, functional flesh. When my precious J was a baby, I blindfolded her as she nursed. She cried and tried to pull the blindfold off, but I gently, yet firmly slapped her hand away and said "You're a bad baby. Shame on you."

Where, o where will this all end? As my friend LK says, "Give 'em an inch and they'll take a de Milo."

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Retro activities

This cheese fondue is quite good. I usually cube a baguette to go with, but tonight I sliced up a skinny multi-grain loaf and it was quite tasty.

Fondue is the perfect cheesy, retro dish - fitting for our cheesy, retro culture. So very 1950s. I wore my frilly apron while I melted the Gruyere.

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WTF?

The Terri Schiavo story keeps getting curiouser and curiouser. A Florida woman hopped a plane to DC on Monday to beg for Schiavo's life. Accompanying her was a gigantic spoon emblazoned with the words "Jeb, please feed Terri." Subtle.

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"I'm wanting the government officials in D.C. to come in, even if there's force involved," Porta said, using some of the wrap that covered the spoon as a makeshift poncho.

Fellow demonstrator Bob Hunt heard Porta's idea and seconded it. "The government should declare martial law for the whole county, arrest the judge, arrest the sheriff," said Hunt, who identified himself as a government subcontractor.

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Guess it's stating the obvious to once again remark on the absolute hypocrisy of the religious right. But fuck it, I'm going to do it anyway. Don't like the law? Break it. Don't like activist judges? Oh wait, that one's kind of confusing because sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. And who says the right doesn''t get irony? At least one protestor did - the one holding the sign that said "Women are not their husbands' property." And I wonder if the President will see the humor of the giant spoon? I see it - I totally think of spoons when I see him.

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Culture of life (for real)

All of the cynical grandstanding over Terri Schiavo and the general nastiness of the religious right is just so wrong and so sad and so misses the point. I may be a tad irreverent and just a wee bit agnostic, but I do love to see churches get it right. This is what it's all about. St. Boniface opens its doors daily to the homeless, providing a warm place for them to sleep and clean restrooms for a little privacy and dignity.

Pastor Louie Vitale says, "This is about human decency...If society did this as a matter of course, we'd all be better off." A-freaking-men.

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(Pop) Culture of Life

We move to canada has a terrific post about the Terri Schiavo case.

Like L-girl, I wasn't going to say anything about this matter, and like her, I absolutely loved Jon Stewart's take on it.

I won't say much, but I figure if right-wing sitcom star and Albertson's shill Patricia Heaton is weighing in, what the hell. On Entertainment Tonight, Heaton likened removing Schiavo's feeding tube to atrocities committed in Nazi Germany. Stay tuned for part two tonight, where she sobs and says she'd never yank a tube out of her son. No one's asking you to, Patty. No one wants to be in that situation, but for fuck's sake, the courts have spoken. And big surprise: Mel Gibson has an opinion, too. I'm sure it's as measured and thoughtful as his other opinions - and about as subtle as his last movie. Glad to see the right is getting over their disdain for the Hollywood elite.

And here is an excellent analysis from Salon.com.

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Open letter to a homophobic fundamentalist

Dear Fundie,

Don't freak out, but I want to talk to you about gay marriage. Maybe I should back up a bit and just talk about gay people in general. Baby steps.

I think you may have some misconceptions. First of all, I don't want to hear that tired old argument that God didn't create "Adam and Steve." Of course he didn't. Come on, that's just silly! Stephen didn't come along until the New Testament, and besides, how do you know he wasn't gay? Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't, but that's not important.

Anyway, speaking of the Bible, you just can't take it so literally. Oh wait, I guess that's what you do. That's your business, but how do you explain parables? Like the rich man's chances of getting into heaven? About as easy as squeezing a camel through the eye of a needle, right? You didn't think Jesus was speaking literally, did you? Come on, that's just silly! And what about the prohibition against onanism and seed spilling? So Old Testament! Anyway, I'm sure you know how well that's working out.

Some of you say God considers homosexuality an abomination. You heard wrong. It's cool - we all do it. I do it a lot. Let me give you an example. You know that Missy Elliott song Get Ur Freak On? She says "Get ur freak on" a lot, doesn't she? Well, the first time I heard that song, I swore she was saying "Get your free cola." See what I mean? God and I had quite a chuckle over my little misunderstanding. He digs Missy, too. Anyway, that's just what happened with you and God - a little misunderstanding. You heard "Homosexuality is an abomination" but God was actually saying "Homosexuality's da bomb. No hateration." God likes Mary J. Blige, too, but the point is we're supposed to get along, in spite of our differences, and (this is the hard part) eventually learn to respect and finally apppreciate - even celebrate - those differences. I think he's serious about this one.

And I'm sure you don't have a problem with people having roommates. I mean, come on, that would just be silly! So let's just agree that having roommates is swell, or at least morally neutral. Maybe you know people who've decided to split expenses because everything's so pricey these days. (Well, not for that rich man next door, but he's got his own problems, trying to push that camel's ass through the needle.) So, back to the roomies, Adam and Stephen. They live together, and who's to say whether or not they're gay? That's not important. "But what if they are?" you may ask. "That would be wrong." To which I say, if homosexuality bothers you, just think of them as roommates. Otherwise, I might start to wonder if you're a little too interested in other people's private activities. I know you're not like that, but haven't you noticed that some of your friends are a little preoccupied with who's putting what where? Come on, that's just silly! And more than a little pervy. Tell you what. You leave Adam and Stephen alone, and I promise never to think about Eponymous and Lynne Cheney going at it. Deal? I'll keep my end of the bargain, even if you don't, but you can at least try.

So, thanks for listening, Fundie. I appreciate it!

Sincerely,
Crabletta

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Global Day of Action

It's time to get a digital camera. I don't have any pictures to post, but I can tell you what I saw in California.

Yesterday, a variety of groups crowded San Francisco's Dolores Park - labor organzations, students, immigrant rights activists, church groups, to name a few. I listened to union leaders speak about workers' rights, and I heard a wonderfully passionate speech by a Gray Panther activist. She was furious about this adminstration's attempts to pit young against old, specifically the condescending and slimy promise that those 55 and older won't be affected by the proposed social security "reform." She used phrases like "the audacity" and "How dare they!" and she didn't speak of compromise or capitulation. This is one fight the Repubs are going to lose, thanks in large part to fiery grandma types.

While I was wandering around, I thought of the demonstrations going on all over the world, and I thought of my fellow bloggers, especially L-girl of we move to canada, Al of Not the Country Club and sleepybomb of the wreckroom, each of whom is spreading the word about this adminstration's lies. So as I was feeling part of my local community, I was mindful of the global progressive community.

I met up with some friends who drove 150 miles to participate in the day's events, and we marched to the Civic Center. As we were about to join the march, I overheard a woman talking about all of the different groups represented and all of their issues. She said, "I agree with them, but I think it dilutes the message." I've wondered about that myself - if we are all marching and demonstrating to protest the war, do we really need to hear about social security and gay marriage at the same time? Yes, actually, we do.

For one, Bush and company are trying to destroy this country, and the war is a huge part of that, but it's not the only part. And we do not have the luxury of time. We can't deal with each problem consecutively. As for gay marriage, I've heard the arguments that America is not ready, that we must be patient. I say the time for civil rights is now. The time to respect each other as human beings is now, and if some people have a problem with that, too fucking bad. And there is a connection between opposing the war, protecting social security, gay rights and workers' rights. All involve progressive values. A gay couple has a right to marry; the elderly have the right to a decent standard of living; workers have the right to fair pay; Iraqis have the right to live in peace. Pretty straightforward, you'd think, not radical, tree-hugging, leftist ideology (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Today, my mom and I went to the peace rally in San Jose. We got a late start, so we were only able to hear a few speakers. I did get to hear one of the best lines of the weekend. In a speech condemning our consumer culture, a young man said, "We must begin to live simply, so that others can simply live."

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One finger prayer

The prayer below is all over the Internet and making its way to an e-mail box near you. It's not nearly as offensive and preachy as many of the other e-sermons I've seen, so normally I wouldn't comment on it. But how can I resist after reading number three?

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Five finger prayer

1. Your thumb is nearest to you
   So begin your prayers by praying for those closest to you. They are the easiest to remember. To pray for our loved ones is, as C. S. Lewis once said, a "sweet duty."
   


2. The next finger is the pointing finger
   Pray for those who teach, instruct and heal. This includes teachers, doctors, and ministers. They need support and wisdom in pointing others in the right direction. Keep them in your prayers.
   


3. The next finger is the tallest finger
   It reminds us of our leaders. Pray for the president, leaders in business and industry, and administrators. These people shape our nation and guide public opinion. They need God's guidance.
   


4. The fourth finger is our ring finger
   Surprising to many is the fact, that this is our weakest finger; as any piano teacher will testify. It should remind us to pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain. They need your prayers day and night. You cannot pray too much for them.
   


5. And lastly comes our little finger; the smallest finger of all
   Which is where we should place ourselves in relation to God and others. As the Bible says, "The least shall be the greatest among you." Your pinkie should remind you to pray for yourself.. By the time you have prayed for the other four groups, your own needs will be put into proper perspective and you will be able to pray for yourself more effectively.

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Appparently, I've been praying for Bush and Kenny Boy for some time now. I wasn't aware that a prayer could begin with "Fuck you," but I guess I was wrong. And you have to love "the tallest finger." How genteel. I'm going to start acting all proper and shit from now on. "Excuse me, Mr. Lying Fuckwad Politician, sir, I'd like to offer you my tallest finger."

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Mushroom clouding the issue

Don't let the Repubs go nuclear. They're trying to eliminate the filibuster option, so that Bush's most controversial judicial nominees can be confirmed by a simple majority vote in the Senate. Perfectly reasonable, right? Not exactly. And the right's crying foul has the stench of disingenuousness.*

From Alternet:

"During the Clinton administration, Senate Republicans blocked dozens of Democratic nominees with much less open and accountable procedures like secret holds. Fully one-third of Clinton's appeals court nominees from 1995 through 2000 were kept off the bench – many without even a hearing or committee vote – while others were delayed for as long as four years. It is rank hypocrisy for the Republicans to claim that a filibuster creates a constitutional crisis because no final 'up or down' vote is held on a nominee when they were willing to prevent many more such votes en masse during the Clinton administration. Republicans blocked over 60 of President Clinton's nominees, often through the actions of just a single Republican senator."

Not all Repubs are falling into lockstep, as this New Yorker article points out. Some senators are actually intelligent enough to realize they won't always be the majority party.

Here's one way to take action.

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*I'm trying to use "disingenuous" whenever I can. That's a word these fucking hypocrites love to throw around, so I'm throwing it right back, along with "class warfare."

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Fit for change

Last week, I was on my way home from work and I heard an interesting conversation. At first I couldn't make out the words, and I thought the guy was talking on a cell phone. But as he made his way down the aisle toward the back of the bus, I could see he was alone and I soon heard every angry word. It went something like this:

"Stupid rich motherfuckers. You'll pay the price. Oh yes, you will. You drive around in your SUVs, you shop, you go home to your nice houses, but just wait, motherfuckers. The price of gas is going up and then what will you do? You think you're OK now, don't give a shit about anyone but yourselves. Motherfuckers. What happens when you get laid off? Huh, what are you gonna do, motherfuckers? You have to be strong, you have to be brave, and you're not brave, and you're not strong. You're weak. Weak motherfuckers. Keep driving around in those SUVs, motherfuckers. Gonna lose your cushy jobs, motherfuckers. Gas goes up, you're out of work, what are you gonna do? I tell you, motherfuckers. You're gonna jump out the window. Alll of you. You're weak and you're gonna jump out your windows."

He spoke in a deep, rapid-fire voice, every word a bullet. It was scary, but impressive. He spoke with utter confidence, without faltering or hesitating and with none of the verbal padding that um, afflicts, uh, so many of us (me). I wasn't sure if he was on drugs or mentally ill, and while I was tempted to say he might be addressing the wrong audience, I didn't want to agitate him further. Besides, he read my mind and said "You're riding the bus now motherfuckers, but I know you have SUVs at home."

"Don't look at me," I thought. "I'm not here." I buried my face in my book, but I could feel the tense vibes bouncing from passenger to passenger.

The guy was harshing everyone's mellow, but aside from his predictions of mass suicide, he wasn't saying anything all that outrageous. It was the delivery that startled me, not the message.

SUVs are only part of the story, but they are emblematic of a collective selfishness, an in-your-face arrogance. One of the justifications that SUV drivers give for driving these monstrosities is that they are "safer." Safer for whom? For what? Certainly not for the environment. And definitely not for anyone unlucky enough to be hit by one of them. But I guess that's not the point. The point, I suppose, is the SUV driver's safety - or the perception of it. And is it really such a stretch to compare that "me first" mentality to the pro-war attitudes of so many? Better to fight the terrorists over there than over here, right? Never mind that there is no connection between Iraq and 9/11 - the point is that they attacked us, and they must pay.

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Old people do the darndest things

This is interesting reading.

Didn't realize the AARP was such a radical group. I knew they were military hating homo lovers, but apparently they threaten to unravel the very fabric of our society. Lock up your children, batten down the hatches, run for your lives!

I'd heard about the Republican front group USA Next, but I just learned that Art Linkletter is the national chairman. You can read Mr. Linkletter's views on the social security CRISIS in this interview with feral and unbalanced Fox News. Don't expect any hard-hitting questions from Neil Cavuto, or any kind of analysis from Linkletter. This is from Cavuto's intro: "Well, listen up, Mr. President. Art Linkletter has a doozy of an idea, and he's coming up." And this is Linkletter's advice for seniors wanting to make the most of their golden years: " One of the best ways is to bet on this country, which means handling your own money, not having somebody else have it." Yes, let's create that ownership society. The President's plan will work. A little sketchy on the details and no mention of disability payments, but trust them.

In case there is any doubt about USA Next's agenda...

AARP? Not For Me!
From bogus surveys designed to promote a hidden liberal agenda to actively promoting liberal causes like gay marriage, the AARP has become one of America's most active liberal lobbies -- at the expense of seniors and their families. As a result, more and more Americans are standing up to the AARP and saying "enough is enough!" Join the growing grassroots movement and voice your opinion on the AARP!

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Freedom fried

"Freedom will prevail in Lebanon," Bush declared, rejecting the message from a demonstration in Beirut by nearly 500,000 pro-Syrian protesters who chanted anti-American slogans.

Freedom is on the march. Oh yes, we're spreading and smearing freedom everywhere. Like a bad rash.

And "declare" is telling. Yes, that was the writer's word choice, but W does like to make rash declarations. Like:

• "I earned capital in the campaign, political capital, and now I intend to spend it." Uh huh. A mandate of 51%, although some question that figure.


• "Major combat operations in Iraq have ended," he declared under that Mission Accomplished sign, and yet people keep dying.


• And his most recent pontification: "We are liberating the zoos. Bring on the culture of life. Freedom will prevail for all of God's creatures, for the lions, the penguins and the monkeys, who, by the way, are not related to us."

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Blogalicious

I just love blogland. I've been doing the web thing for several years now, but I'm new to blogging. I love that people put their lives out there for the world to see - and that some of us hide behind made-up names and just want to shoot our crabby mouths off. I love that 13-year-old girls publish their poetry and talk about their crushes. I love Blogger's "next blog" button and the weird and quirky randomness of it all.

Perhaps the "next blog" button is how Al of Not the Country Club happened upon the Crab. He commented on one of my posts, which led me to his most interesting blog. I now read it regularly. It was there that I commented on one of L-Girl's comments and checked out her blog, about her upcoming move to Canada. She added a link to me, and then cool music guy commented on that.

See? Random - and quite wonderful. Or maybe not so random. And maybe this is one way grassroots movements start. You know, it's a little bewildering, being a progressive in the US these days - like falling down one twisted motherfucker of a rabbit-hole. If we lived in Europe or Canada, we'd be mainstream. Here, we're viewed by as the lunatic fringe by the lunatic fringe. We're told to compromise and move closer to the center. You know what? Some of us might even consider that if the righties didn't keep moving the fucking center. We can talk to family and friends about Mad Hatters and Red Queens, and we can volunteer, donate and make our voices heard. We can do all of this on a local level, and now, thanks to the blogging community, we can connect with like-minded people from all over.

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Read this. I command you!

This is such bullshit. The five or so readers of The Crab can probably guess where I stand on separation of church and state, but I'll say it anyway. I'm all for it. I really, really like it and think it's a swell idea. I dig the clear and succinct arguments put forth by the ACLU. And I do have a few questions of my own.

• If these activist judges are so religious, shouldn't they have the commandments memorized? So why the concrete post-it notes? And why force the public to look at these god-awful, hideous slabs? There ought to be a law against that, or at least a commandment.


• Some of the commandments make a lot of sense, and a few actually have something to do with the law. I'm totally down with "Thou shalt not kill" and "Thou shalt not steal." I bet most of us can agree on those two. But is a courthouse really the best place to put these helpful hints? Because once you're headed to court to try to beat that murder rap, well, oops, too late.


• Can I get a pass on number two? I'll try not to say godammit, but no guarantees on the other words. That would be fucking hypocritical and I don't think I should have to go to the hot place for saying "shit" or "fuck." Give me a motherfucking break.


• Speaking of hypocritical, can we revisit coveting? We are a covetous nation. We covet fresh, minty breath, perfect skin, yummy collagen lips, effortless weight loss, gigantic yet perky breasts, enormous penises, Hummers, Kate Spade bags, satellite TV, monster burgers, and other nations' oil supplies, to name a few. So let's lighten up on the coveting hating, OK?

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